Hot Patootie, Hot Patootie!
As you may or may not know,
my favorite Wiggle is bailing on the group because he is suffering from
orthostatic intolerance. Although orthostatic intolerance kicks the
ailment ass of narcolepsy, apparently Greg Wiggle is not interested in
stealing Jeff Wiggle’s idiosyncratic thunder.
Seven years ago,
I was falsely diagnosed with orthostatic intolerance. (Remind me to
tell you about the weekend where I had to collect every drop of pee
that exited my system and dump it into this huge refrigerated tub
thing, and then deliver the tub to Vanderbilt University. I parked in
front of the medical office building, where I was told to deliver the
cold tub o’ urine to the lab, which was three blocks away.
Unfortunately, there was no visitor parking at the lab, so I was forced
to crookedly walk what felt like six miles with a scowl on my face and
a huge frosty tub of piss bouncing against my leg.) Because of this, I
feel I have a lot to share with my wiggling saffron sweetie. Onward!
Over the weekend, I was lucky enough to meet up with Greg Wiggle for some coffee and conversation.
Me: Good afternoon, Greg Wiggle.
Greg Wiggle (GW): Good afternoon, Luscious.
Me: Angela.
GW: Potaytoe potahtoe, Sexy.
Me:
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I was once diagnosed with orthostatic
intolerance. I was taking all kinds of drugs for it, and then my
dentist said, “Hey! I don’t think this is a blood pressure deal, I
think you have a temporomandibular joint disorder!” Three months later,
with the help of an oral surgeon and an orthodontist, the dizziness was
gee-oh-en-ee! Orthodontia, Greg Wiggle! Perhaps you should try it
before you throw in your yellow towel!
GW: You are foxy. I want to kiss you.
Me: Okay, Joe Namath. Have you been listening to me at all?
GW: Bed me.
Me:
I’m just telling you this because I’ve noticed your crooked little
smile. Maybe you need to have your jaw fixed! Are you, by any chance, a
clencher?
GW: Shall we engage in coitus?
Me: Hhhhhhhh. Uncle.
We then made out for five minutes.
I bailed when I remembered that my underpants were of the big girl variety.
Also, there’s that whole “forsaking all others” thing.
On
an unrelated note, a tree fell on our house during the ice storm last
Thursday. The tree ripped out our phone line and an electrical wire.
The ripping out of the electrical wire actually caused a small fire,
which was quickly put out by all of the ice and snow. The ripping out
of the phone line means we have no DSL. Hence, no internet. SO, I
haven’t been able to visit anyone electronically (including myself) for
nearly four days. (Jeff is kind enough to upload this for me at his
work computer.) Anyway, despite the fact that for a very short moment
in time Our House Was On Fire!, I’m more ruffled about the fact that
our phone line is still down. (The electric line is still down, too.
Live wire on the house! We’re hoping the electric company pays us a
visit before we suffer any more sparks. Apparently, they’re very busy
right now.) Anyway, I miss all of you.
And I’ll miss you, too, Greg Wiggle.
Submitted by
Robin
at 12/4/2006 9:41:38 AM- I have to give you an apology. A while back, I snarkily made a comment on how you introduced me to the Wiggles, and "how could you?" or something.
Well, I was wrong. Very very wrong. There's something earnestly lovely about them and Owen, Lucy, my husband and I are all full fledged fans. (I think us more so than the kids)
Thank you for passing them on to us, and thank you for giving Greg a good tonguing. Someone had to, and I was unfortunately busy that day.
Submitted by
jchrisrock
at 12/4/2006 9:58:11 AM- Best of luck getting all the wires back together. Yipe.
Submitted by
Jenn
at 12/4/2006 10:35:02 AM- See, it's things like "tree falling on house" and "house on fire" and "No DSL" that keep me from being too whiny about the high winds knocking our satellite dish out of alignment and we're at a repairman's mercy, he will show up sometime between December 6th and the 15th. I hope the electric company gets to you soon, I would be huddle up in a ball in the corner with a fire extinguisher, crying like a baby.
Submitted by
Chookooloonks
at 12/4/2006 10:41:26 AM- I'm so stealing the phrase "bed me."
Hope things work out with your home!
K.
Submitted by
Robin
at 12/4/2006 11:01:38 AM- Holy shit! We meandered past your house on Saturday, as we were in the neighborhood and I like to stalk. Not that I could see much, since the trees are in your backyard. Or maybe I'm just so accustomed to the sight of downed trees that I don't even notice them anymore.
I'll let you know when we rent a chipper so you can join us in the group discount.
Fucking trees. I'm glad your house didn't burn down.
Submitted by
Leslie
at 12/4/2006 12:07:12 PM- I'll miss Greg and his swivel hips. It just won't be the same. *sniff*
Submitted by
Marcia
at 12/4/2006 12:10:47 PM- That "foresaking all others" thing really gets in the way of all the fun, doesn't it?
Also. House + Tree = Bad.
And wasn't your power out for at least a little bit in July? And didn't you make fun of the people on the other side of the street that had their power out for a long time? (I almost just tried to link to your post about the party you had with no-unpowers allowed, but then I remembered that your blog is GONE. Sniffies.)
Anyway, this is getting long. I hope your house gets better soon. Also your internet.
Submitted by
Carroll
at 12/4/2006 12:30:52 PM- "On an unrelated note"...
Ever the mistress of understatement there, Angie! Here's to a speedy restoration of power. Oh and also, this post? En-route to Greg Wiggle's in-box as we speak!
;-)
Submitted by
mom on a wire
at 12/4/2006 2:20:16 PM- I really hope that Gerg quitting the Wiggles doesn't mean he'll stop visiting me in those steamy dreams. Wiggle orgy! Yay messed up hormones!
I'm leaving now.
Submitted by
KD
at 12/4/2006 2:29:03 PM- Keep it on the downlow, but I once had a dream that I was Greg Wiggles' daughter. I was raised in the Wiggle House by all the Wiggle "brothers". Except they weren't REALLY brothers and I ended up marrying Anthony Wiggle. Let's just ignore the incestuous undertones in that dream, shall we?
Submitted by
Carroll
at 12/4/2006 3:03:11 PM- See? This is why all us "mature" women of Fluid Pudding Wednesdays **need** to be reading this blog! Hot Wiggles?? Who knew!
Submitted by
H
at 12/4/2006 4:12:10 PM- As I dropped my boy off at day care this morning, his teacher said brightly to the class "We're not going to listen to the Wiggles this morning. Today we're going to listen to Christmas music!" Her enthusiastic delivery fell on deaf ears. The kids, they want their Wiggles.
Does Greg realize he outranks Frosty and Santa on the toddler popularity scale?
On the other hand, this leaves him more free time to pursue you...
Submitted by
SprengBlingBling
at 12/4/2006 4:22:07 PM- PLEASE tell me John Green survived the storm unscathed.
How sad is it that when I saw lots o'peeps on St. Louis did not have power I thought of you and then immediately thought, "I hope the penguin is OK."
Submitted by
gasoline hobo
at 12/4/2006 4:41:16 PM- "Hot Wiggle"? is that what the kids are calling it these days?
"I say, Abernathy, I could really fancy a hot wiggle right about now."
"I'll run up the flag, Daphne. Prepare for a jolly good rogering!"
(ahem)
Submitted by
Alli
at 12/4/2006 5:57:53 PM- When my daughter was younger we were watching the Wiggles and my husband came in the door just as they were singing "Hava Negilla" (sp?). I heard him in the kitchen saying to himself - I didn't know the Wiggles were Jewish. Ha ha ha. Glad your house did not burn!
Submitted by
mothergoosemouse
at 12/4/2006 7:33:09 PM- I can totally hear Greg Wiggle saying all of those things, especially in his cute little accent.
And I like you even more for liking Greg instead of Anthony. Anthony annoys the crap out of me.
(Avoiding the house afire topic because fire scares the shit out of me and I can hardly stand to think of your house being on fire. Very very very glad that all of you are fine.)
Submitted by
Jack's Raging Mommy
at 12/5/2006 8:30:14 AM- This whole St. Louis losing power for weeks at a time thing is getting really old. I thought they'd fixed the problem after the last time, but I guess they just patched it all together again.
Submitted by
AmyElle
at 12/5/2006 2:32:11 PM- I have a thing for Captain Feathersword. But I can totally see liking Greg.
Hope you get all the house stuff worked out soon.
Submitted by
Tigger
at 12/5/2006 6:53:01 PM- Captain Feathersword fantasies, or people DRESSED as Captain Feathersword fantasies kind of scare me.
Submitted by
JustLinda
at 12/7/2006 7:31:29 PM- Am I to understand that you ask your husband to upload your typed fantasies about other men, more specifically other men in the field of child entertainment??? hahah Priceless.
Throw in your yellow towel... I'm stick chuckling.
I was sad to hear about GW leaving the group as well, but glad you had such a saucy conversation with him yesterday! He's a pip!
Hope everything gets fixed quickly at the house - that has to be a bit unnerving...