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Tipsy Has Earned His Wings

Back in March, our Very Nice Old Neighbor Guy died. For the past nine months, I've noticed that his flowers aren't quite as vibrant, his grass isn't quite as tidy, and his wife isn't quite as smiley. (She was never very smiley before he died, but now we couple her non-smileyhood with a refusal to return friendly waves. It's quite sad, actually.)

Across the street from Very Nice Old Neighbor Guy's wife lives a man and his two twenty-something boys. Although I know their names, I like to refer to them as Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck and Sons of Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck. I rarely see any of them getting out of their cars without a six pack. And although I have no problem with that, I do find it curious that they never seem to purchase real groceries. (I am on Neighborhood Watch. It's my job to take note of these details.) (I'm not really on Neighborhood Watch.)

Last weekend we received about five inches of snow. (We also received a box of cookies from one of Jeff's authors! They were delish!) Anyway, because of the snow, our street has been a big stupid mess, and I've seen quite a few cars spinning their tires in an attempt to maneuver Pudding Curve without wiping out into our mailbox. (I really should write a song about Pudding Curve. Are Jan and Dean still alive? Because Dan Fogelberg isn't.)

Get this. Yesterday afternoon, Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck drove up the street with a plow attached to the front of his truck. He spent nearly an hour plowing the street. And then he plowed the driveways of those who hadn't yet shoveled. And then he shoveled the curvy driveway of Very Nice Old Neighbor Guy's wife and cleared out a walking path to her mailbox. And then he shoveled out from around my neighbor's car that had been parked on the street (and stuck in the snow). And when my neighbor came out to thank him, Tipsy must have said something like, "Move your car into your driveway for a few minutes, and I'll plow out from where the car was parked." When the neighbor tried to move the car, he found that the wheels were spinning and the car wasn't moving. SO, one of the Sons of Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck ran out Without A Shirt On and helped push the car out.

It was a Shirtless Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck Christmas Miracle.

After yelling for his kid to get his head out of his ass and go back into the house, Tipsy stood in his driveway, smoked a cigarette, and admired his work. And in my mind, I made him a big tray of cookies and hot chocolate to thank him for a job well done. (Sadly, we don't have cookies or hot chocolate. We DO have beer, but I think Jeff would have been a little miffed if I had given it away.)

Because of his newly earned Good Neighbor status, I hereby promise to never again refer to Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck as Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck. I will now call him Mr. Burr. Because that is his name. (And it's actually pretty perfect, because Mr. Burr is good with snow! Burrrrrrrrrrr!!!)

Posted by: fluidpudding on 12/18/2007 5:30:44 PM , 35 comments
Submitted by Elizabeth at 12/18/2007 11:18:17 AM
    Darn! I loved your neighbor's nickname!
    But, it is well deserved that you now call him by his real name. Some people just surprise you, don't they?
Submitted by zoe at 12/18/2007 11:21:45 AM
    the old man who used to live in our home fell in the snow and broke his hip while trying to get his mail. he subsequently died. all of the neighbors driveways had been cleared. nice huh?
Submitted by You can call me, 'Sir' at 12/18/2007 11:26:01 AM
    It kind of reminds me of the highly excellent flick, "The Sons of Katie Elder', only with less John Wayne and Dean Martin, not set in Texas, and instead of gunfire, there's a snowplow and a shirtless person with his head up his ass.
Submitted by Mae at 12/18/2007 11:42:56 AM
    That was a LOL worthy post. Thanks for the much needed chuckle.
Submitted by Raquita at 12/18/2007 11:49:41 AM
    *smile*
Submitted by elandsimom at 12/18/2007 11:52:46 AM
    This may be the best post of the year (although I might not be remembering all my faves). Funny AND heartwarming - what could be better?
Submitted by Kathy at 12/18/2007 11:53:42 AM
    I was so shocked after my grandmother died how good the neighbors were to my widowed grandfather -- especially the ones you'd least expect it from.
Submitted by blackbird at 12/18/2007 12:16:36 PM
    Damn, that's a nice story.
Submitted by Susan at 12/18/2007 12:22:45 PM
    I've been looking for something new from you every day, several times a day, and am pleased to not only find a heart-warming but hilarious as all get out from you. Looks like drunk people with their heads up their asses can actually poke it out midway to be neighborly at least once a year and renew our faith in mankind a smidge, huh?
Submitted by Beth at 12/18/2007 1:34:01 PM
    This post is laugh-out-loud funny! Thanks!
Submitted by Suse at 12/18/2007 2:42:48 PM
    Well that was a beautiful, heartwarming Christmas-miracle story, Ms Pudding. Thank you.
Submitted by Deanna at 12/18/2007 3:23:20 PM
    Hahaha! That was great! The TRUE spirit of Christmas.
Submitted by gasoline hobo at 12/18/2007 4:05:46 PM
    i'll have you know that i've been trying to think of an aaron burr joke for about two hours now, but alas, failure.

    besides, it's probably too soon?
Submitted by robiewankenobie at 12/18/2007 4:18:00 PM
    i'd say the beer donation would be for a worthy cause. i'd contribute to the effort, but i'm way over here. yep. i think that means i'm going to have to go buy some beer to salute mr. burr.
Submitted by Dooley at 12/18/2007 4:49:28 PM
    Well, if that isn't just a bit O. frickin' Henry. Is your neighbor's name O. Henry Burr? Just guessing
Submitted by Paul is a Hermit at 12/18/2007 6:11:13 PM
    Now comes the card that says he can do this all winter for $$. First snow and a new plow does that for guys with a new found use of a pickup. Yes, I'm a pessimist.
    Really, I wish Jimmy Stewart were still alive so I could remake, It's A Wonderful Life, because you've just written a draft. Or Miracle on Pudding Street.
    (We'll just rename it, if we have too).
Submitted by Grace at 12/18/2007 7:06:07 PM
    That was actually touching to me, and I feel as though I should bake him some cookies.

    Or, at least go buy him some.
Submitted by allison at 12/18/2007 7:30:50 PM
    My Vietnamese neighbor, whose name is pronounced "Hi" (makes for awkward hellos) cleared half our sidewalk before he left for work at the nail shop.
    I used to know how to say "Thank you" in Vietnamese, but drank it all away, presumably with Tipsy :(
Submitted by jen at 12/18/2007 8:18:44 PM
    Im sure that in HIS head, Mr. Burr really appreciated what was in YOUR head!
    Really. You are too funny...
    Merry Christmas!
Submitted by Alli at 12/19/2007 7:27:53 AM
    Ah, the Miracles of Christmas cheer and good will.
Submitted by Julie at 12/19/2007 7:49:13 AM
    This had me laughing and crying at the same time...admittedly, I also cry at sappy TV commercials, but wow--you're SOOO good! Thank you for captivating my Christmas spirit with the Miracle on Pudding Street. Merry, Merry!
Submitted by Sara at 12/19/2007 9:24:39 AM
    Bummed about Fogelberg, truly, but this is a beautiful story beautifully told in your very own beautiful, unique, and frickin' hilarious voice. Thank you!

    Someday perhaps you will publish a book of Tales of Pudding Towne. (Any town named Pudding has to have an "e" on the end of it. Has to.)
Submitted by Heather B. at 12/19/2007 9:55:48 AM
    Well that just made me smile.

    Yesterday some guy who is from further north of where I live in Upstate NY (Uh, that would be CANADA) saw me struggling to shovel my car out of ice/snow and so he helped me and then got my car out. Then I made out with him.
Submitted by Amy in StL at 12/19/2007 10:16:51 AM
    That's such a great story!
Submitted by cassie-b at 12/19/2007 11:30:48 AM
    I love your story. Thanks for sharing.

    Cas
Submitted by witchypoo at 12/19/2007 2:03:16 PM
    I confess I was suspicious that the neighbour had a new plow and was getting y'all hooked with a free taste of his services. But, hey, it's Christmas, and maybe he hasn't drank away all his goodwill.
Submitted by Carole at 12/20/2007 2:40:49 AM
    That was the best story...ever! God bless us everyone.
Submitted by Jessica at 12/20/2007 10:42:49 PM
    That is so heartwarming! Even the part where he yelled at his son!
Submitted by Jessica at 12/21/2007 10:23:57 AM
    Neighbors can be so interesting... we live in the same vicinity as these people, they see us in our best and worst moments (leaving for work, and on those early Saturday morning hangovers) and yet never cease to amaze you.

    This was a Pudding Street miracle indeed.
Submitted by sweetney at 12/21/2007 1:32:03 PM
    "It was a Shirtless Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck Christmas Miracle."

    oh the lolz!
Submitted by HRH at 12/28/2007 8:01:39 PM
    So cute.
Submitted by Paige at 1/2/2008 9:01:09 AM
    I'm a little late, but I love this story! Funny AND touching.
Submitted by Jessie at 1/5/2008 6:40:09 AM
    I know this is an old post, but I just have to tell you that we used to call my mom, and now my husband calls me, The Neighborhood Watch. Both my mom and I can often be found doing something near the windows so we can see what's going on with everyone else out there. This backfired on my mom once when the rather large woman in the house behind my parents' let her dogs out while in the nude. And stood there for a while.

    My mom has now moved to primarily watching out the front windows.
Submitted by DBN at 1/8/2008 11:26:13 PM
    Don't you love when people exceed your expectations of them? Helps reinforce that there is good in most everyone. This was a great post!
Submitted by DBN at 1/8/2008 11:26:46 PM
    Don't you love when people exceed your expectations of them? Helps reinforce that there is good in most everyone. This was a great post!
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