The Things I Learned About Myself During the January 5th Weekend
1. In the world of jeans, I currently wear a Size X. However, I can sometimes squeeze myself into a Size X Minus 2. Regardless of how good a Size X feels, if I can zip the X Minus 2 I will throw my cash down and sacrifice the privilege of sufficient oxygen intake.
2. I feel a sense of smug elation every time I place a non-dishwasher safe knife into our dishwasher. Seriously, Wolfgang Puck, if you're going to charge so much money for your fancy pants knives, you really should make them dishwasher safe. I washed them by hand for seven months, and the process was really starting to bring me down. Now that I'm throwing them into the dishwasher, I'm freeing up approximately seven minutes of free time per week. I know you're no longer responsible for their durability, Wolfgang. I'm willing to trade your disregard for my inconvenience.
3. I'm really not as hopeless as I thought when it comes to cleaning the house. Do you remember Judy? Due to budgetary constraints and whatnot, we had to eliminate her position a few weeks ago. After making the call, I immediately sunk into a pit of despair and swore my house would never smell or feel quite as good as it did after her visits. Get this. Yesterday I scrubbed our kitchen counters and our bathroom sinks. Afterward, I cooked up a huge batch of ham and beans. SO, the house looks good, and although it doesn't smell like oranges (I still can't figure out how she did that. She never sprayed anything, but she always left us with a citrus scent), it smells like The Potential of Bacon. All is well.
4. I'm even MORE hopeless than I thought when it comes to scraping meat off of a bone. Especially when said meat is surrounding the kneecap of a pig. I don't want to talk about it.
Jeff will be back home in approximately six hours.
Submitted by
Kathy
at 1/7/2008 11:30:18 AM- I have a fat tummy and no ass, so the lower the jeans sit on the hips, the smaller the size for me. (If they ever make jeans cut on the knees, I'd easily be a 0.)
Submitted by
You can call me, 'Sir'
at 1/7/2008 11:38:30 AM- 1) Boil the Kneecap of a Pig (voodoo recipe!) until all of the meat is off of the bone. Use leftover liquid and pig etcetera for pig-tasting stock in soups that need more pig flavoring.
2) Market and sell air fresheners, lotions, shampoo, and disinfectants with the name Potential of Bacon. Get rich. Start smoking so you can light your cigars with $20 bills.
Submitted by
Jan
at 1/7/2008 11:39:50 AM- Maybe she used a citrus cleaner. they have all kinds in the stores now. Yeah, the pig leg is a bummer, but look at the yummy results. Don't forget the cornbread and fried potatoes.
Submitted by
H
at 1/7/2008 1:58:46 PM- One of the worst things my MIL could say about someone is the following: "They put their knives in the dishwasher."
You just know that death and destruction can't be far behind.
Submitted by
Racheal
at 1/7/2008 2:05:17 PM- Lurker here commenting for the first time. Orange smell may be due to Orange Glo, which is a cleaning product. My mom uses it, and her house smells orange-y for days.
Submitted by
Christine
at 1/7/2008 3:09:42 PM- I am so with you on the jeans thing. I'm currently sitting in a pair of X minus 2 jeans. I can barely breath, but I got them on and that's all that matters. Who cares that I can barely bend at the hip. Sitting down is for wimps anyway. ;)
I don't cook and rarely clean so I can't really help you out on the other ones.
Submitted by
tut-tut
at 1/7/2008 4:39:43 PM- Well, for a thrill, go into Chicos, where there is no size greater than a 3 (because they have changed the sizing codes to make everyone feel lithe as a model . . .)
Submitted by
Mutha
at 1/7/2008 7:12:42 PM- I left you an @ Tweet about that orange smell, but think I did the @ part wrong. Sorry if this is a repeat.
That orange smell probably came from a spray found at janitorial supply companies. It was first developed to freshen the air, carpeting, and drapes in smoking rooms in hotels. I used to work for a motel in a ski resort town and the cleaning crew would spray that everywhere, even in the front office. It smelled like a bowl of fresh oranges. It soon became popular with the home cleaning crowd. It's pretty inexpensive and can be purchased in bulk.
I learned about the joys of the open to the public janitorial supply stores while living in Denver next to a heavy smoker. We had shared air ducts and her smoke would come into my place. I frequented the janitorial supply store to purchase anything that would make my apartment smell less like an ash tray. Instead of the orange spray, I bought coffee. I still have some. The smell lasts for days.
Submitted by
flatflo
at 1/8/2008 9:39:35 AM- I have a pair of skinny jeans, same size as my regular comfy jeans, but boot cut so that they sit lower and suck it in a bit more. But I also have a pair of X plus 2 jeans so that I can fit long johns underneath and go sledding or Christmas Tree hunting.
My sister & her roommate take the cake, tho. They live in Brooklyn and went to the Lucky Brand Jean store in Manhattan and each spent $$$ for the perfect pair of jeans. They stayed with me over the holidays and washed their jeans for the first time in over 3 months! They use a laundry service that dries everything on high, and didn't want to lose that perfect fit. Jeesh!
Submitted by
FP
at 1/8/2008 2:42:54 PM- Thanks so much, Debbie! I actually had a tear fall out of my eye when he said "Bibbity Bobbity BACON!" (It has been a long day...)
Submitted by
Amy in StL
at 1/8/2008 4:09:32 PM- Everything I use has to be dishwasher safe. Yes my knives and my Calphalon pans go in the dishwasher - they still cut and cook accordingly. My boyfriend is horrified by this and I'm sure if we ever move in together this will be a point of contention. But my knives are sharper than his handwashed ones and my pan is just as nonstick. I only handwash my body, my wool and my floors.
Submitted by
jen
at 1/9/2008 4:49:49 PM- Oh please. I have cut jeans along the belt loop in order to make room for my expanding hips. Okay well, for my actual side fat growing just above my hips. Screw the bigger size!
AND. I am devastated about the knives! They are going to be ruined! I've killed men for sticking my knives in the dishwasher. I'm gonna say a little prayer for them right now...
(I'm sorry Wolfgang...she really doesn't mean it!!)
Submitted by
gorillabuns
at 1/9/2008 10:10:38 PM- we dance around the almighty pig in our house.
all hail the pig!
Yeah, I finally solved the mystery of the slashed dish towels. Drying those knife blades!