The Glass is Never Half Empty.
Dear Ira Glass,
In four short days, we will find ourselves sitting in the same room. Sure, it's a very large room. An auditorium, even. But a duck is still a duck.
If our eyes happen to meet (which they probably won't because I'm in Row XYZZZ or something), I have a hunch you will feel a burning desire to know my Story. (I'm telling myself that girls with fresh haircuts, gray ribbed cardigans, and hand-knit socks stir up interest in people like you, Ira Glass. I could be totally off on this assumption, but I doubt anyone corrects me.)
Anyway, I'm sorry. No can do. Saturday is my husband's birthday, so I am not going to be able to meet you for coffee, pizza, or dialogue.
I do believe, however, that I need to take a bit of time to tell you about the room in which we will sit.
It was in this room where I first offered Diet Coke and frozen Ding Dongs to a sunburned trumpet player who later purchased my very first alcoholic beverage for me. Long Island Iced Tea!
It was in this room where I stole a dancing girl's umbrella during a thunderstorm. Please know that I never used the umbrella. You see, staying dry during my walk home was not as important to me as knowing that a highly regarded dancing girl who was always a bit hateful toward the band members was slowly transforming into Wet Rat status during the stroll back to her sorority house. I have lost nearly twenty umbrellas during my lifetime, Ira Glass. However, I still have that blasted girl's umbrella. It's like some sort of messed up tell-tale heart! And I still feel guilty whenever I see it. I actually tried to give it to a homeless guy not too long ago, but he turned down my offer. (The umbrella is maroon with little paisley things on it. It's actually quite ugly--like my soul.)
It was in this room where I scored a
piano scholarship to this university. I forfeited that scholarship
nearly a year later when I decided to be a nurse. And a year after that
I decided to forget Nursing and study Communications. And a few months
later? Elementary Education. After that? I swore I wanted to be a
dietician. I blasted my way through seven majors before ending up with
a degree in Psychology. And today I'm, um, a very notable Stay at Home Mom.
(Actually, not quite so notable. But I AM staying at home. Actually, I
stay at home quite often! I wear white slippers!)
It was just north of this room where my friend Steve and I sat on a bench after a long night of complaining about boys at Shattered. While taking a brief rest before we completed our walk home (we were very decrepit nineteen year olds), I bent over and vomited all over the sidewalk. Steve then looked at me, frowned, and said, "Poor Angela. You had spaghetti for dinner." And he was right.
It was in this room where I watched Ladysmith Black Mambazo perform. And Vinx. And Chick Corea. And Noam Chomsky. And Parliament. Those are pretty big acts to follow, Ira Glass. But I tell you what. I think there's room for you under my umbrella.
Ella. Ella. Eh. Eh. Eh.
Yours,
A.L.R. Pudding
Submitted by
jen
at 3/4/2008 10:27:28 AM- I will be right there at Ira Glass with you. Yeehaw!
I will be the one waving.
Submitted by
kristin
at 3/4/2008 10:36:40 AM- I am so jealous. Sigh, Ira Glass. Sigh, Jesse Auditorium. My husband saw Ben Folds Five there (before he was my husband [Justin, not Ben Folds]) while I stayed at the dorm listening to Ben Folds Five, smacking myself in the forehead for not going with the cool kids.
Blow Ira a kiss for me!
Submitted by
You can call me, 'Sir'
at 3/4/2008 10:38:01 AM- That is one hell of a room.
Also, you saw Parliament?
Also also, Parliament was allowed in Missouri?
Submitted by
Deanna
at 3/4/2008 10:48:16 AM- Ahhhhhh! The theft of the dancing girl's umbrella was a fantastic story! Made me smile all over. :)
Submitted by
FP
at 3/4/2008 12:10:30 PM- Jaynee--Funny. My area of concentration is Religion. Not because I planned it that way, but because I took a load of religion courses and my advisor was able to plop them nicely into an Area of Concentration bucket.
Jen--Wear a yellow daisy in your lapel. I'll look for you.
Seven--The evidence was on the sidewalk. Mixed with a tequila sunrise or two.
Kristin--I will blow a kiss. AND, I can't believe Ben Folds Five played there! I hope you've seen Ben Folds since then!
Sir--I DID see Parliament. It was a very covert operation, because Parliament is NOT allowed in Missouri. They dressed in regular street clothes, and we sneaked their instruments in our backpacks. It was a very quiet acoustic set. No applause allowed. Flashlight!
Kirida--Perhaps I should pack some smelling salts!
Deanna--It's one of my dark side's proudest moments.
Blackbird--If anyone would know, it would be you, my Salman hero!
Submitted by
Alli
at 3/5/2008 9:52:55 AM- Is Jeff going? He may be jealous. I,too, had many majors. I ended up with a BA in political science, minor in economics, an now I'm a nurse. If you would like to discuss modern day Imperialism and metabolic acidosis give me a call. Have fun with Ira and Happy B-day Jeff.
Submitted by
Sadie
at 3/5/2008 2:48:19 PM- Found you through Zoot, and I came over just to say Good for You for stealing that umbrella! She totally deserved it.
Sincerely,
Once a Band Geek, Always a Band Geek
:)
Submitted by
jocelyn
at 3/6/2008 9:31:40 PM- nobody loves ira more than a duck.
if you don['t get this, you're not watching enough Peep (cartoon)
Submitted by
jocelyn
at 3/6/2008 9:35:49 PM- www.peepandthebigwideworld.com
The show is narrated by Joan Cusack. The banjo soundtrack is played by Taj Mahal.
Submitted by
Bipolarlawyercook
at 3/9/2008 12:46:21 PM- Bless your heart-- at least you didn't write fan mail to Garrison Keillor before he came with PHC to play in your town. Yep. Ira, hot. Garrison, not so much. Groovy. But not hot.
Submitted by
sweetney
at 3/9/2008 5:43:15 PM- it probably won't surprise you to hear that Ira Glass is one of my heroes. me and you = twinses.
Submitted by
julie
at 3/10/2008 9:48:26 PM- I nearly had a moment with Ira...I spent $250 bucks for tickets to see his show at the State Theatre in Ann Arbor. This entitled me to some pre-show schmoozing with Ira himself, along with a bunch of other people too of course. When I informed my husband of the incredible sum of money I'd spent on two tickets he said "Oh man, I can just see you all giddy, wanting your picture taken with Ira...you are so in love with him" to which I replied..."I am never giddy and I am not in love with Ira!" Which he countered with "Than why do you always say "I love you Ira!" whenever the show comes on? Oh he had me there, he did! Long story short...I was painfully tongue tied in the lobby where the pre-show schmoozing took place, and hovered in the corner trying to look cool and nonchalant. I watched as other Ira lovers took their place in the circle around him. Finally my husband dragged me within a couple feet of Ira, our eyes met, they really met, and than this guy with crutches stepped directly in between us...Ira launched into what was probably a very witty anecdote but I couldn't hear anything past-- "My wife has a friend on crutches..." WIFE! How did I not know he was married? The shock of this revelation made me lose what little nerve I had...and so, my moment with Ira was rudely dashed...and I faded back into the corner with my husband...who won't ever let me live it down...sigh.
And I thought I was bad going through FOUR majors before picking one (and taking the easy out by majoring in "Liberal Arts" so that all those other classes for the other majors weren't complete wastes of time).