And today I can barely walk.
Yesterday morning at 8:00, we had about a half inch of snow on the ground.
Yesterday afternoon at 3:00, we had over twelve inches of snow on the ground.
Yesterday afternoon at 3:30, Jeff called to say he was going to leave work shortly and perhaps I should start shoveling or praying or something.
(Of course, I'm making that part up. He would NEVER suggest that I shovel (or pray). He's chivalrous (and keeps his prayer requests to himself)! And he knows I have the upper body strength of a fryer hen (and that God has better things to do than deal with a slippery Nissan.))
Anyway. I looked outside and saw the neighbor to my left finishing off his driveway using TWO snowblowers.
The neighbor to my right had finished his driveway and was helping Mrs. Across the Street with hers.
I felt very good about joining the neighbors for a bit of shoveling. It takes a village!
No Exaggeration Whatsoever:
I put on Jeff's boots and coat and grabbed the shovel.
The folks with the snowblowers (TWO snowblowers) finished their driveway, lit cigarettes, and turned toward my driveway. With their bodies. Not their snowblowers.
I shoveled. I shoveled. Whew! I have absolutely no strategy when it comes to things like this. Am I supposed to go back and forth or up and down or a clever mixture of the two? I'm the girl who always mops myself into a corner, you know. This is tough work! I've shoveled sidewalks before, but never a driveway/hill combination! Heavy breathing! And where is this snot coming from?! I'm really a disaster!
Neighbor to the Right finished up with Mrs. Across the Street and went back into his house.
Snowblower folks continued to watch me.
Because Meredith and Harper were in the house by themselves, every ten minutes or so I would trudge up to the door to check on them. So, I'm trudging, I've got snot pouring down my face, I'm shoveling, I'm clearly struggling, and I'm being gawked at by the two men with the blowers. (Did I mention that I once baked a dozen pumpkin muffins for them? FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON?!)
Okay. Bear with me here. You know how sometimes when you're shoveling you hit an uneven part of the concrete and you sort of jar yourself? I did that. And I jarred myself so hard that I knocked myself backwards, and Jeff's boot (along with my sock) fell off. So now I'm standing there with one shoe on and the other foot exposed to the elements, and I'm having to bend forward all yoga style to retrieve the boot and the sock, and I happened to look up toward the door, and I saw Harper. Wearing nothing but a diaper. Apparently, she wanted to help me but she couldn't find her snow suit, so I suppose she decided that the next best thing to a snow suit is a birthday suit. And she's screaming and jumping up and down like a spider monkey.
I uttered a very brazen "%&#$ this!" and went back into the house.
Get this. Less than two minutes after I returned to my house, Neighbor to the Right carried his shovel through my half-assed driveway and over to Neighbor to the Left's house, and helped shovel the remaining eighth of an inch that the two(!) snowblowers couldn't penetrate. To me, this was the equivalent of passing a hungry person on the street to deliver a pie to someone who spends their days baking pies. Or muffins. Or something like that.
I threw Jeff's coat and boots back on and stomped back out into my driveway. Where I shoveled. And I shoveled. And thank God for Mrs. Across the Street, because she came over and helped me. AND she filled me in on all of the neighborhood gossip--tales of infidelity, children born out of wedlock, and octogenarian affairs. Very fun. AND!!! BONUS!!! When her husband came home from his job, he gave me a dozen doughnuts. Vanilla Long Johns! Chocolate Long Johns! Cinnamon Rolls! I love Mr. and Mrs. Across the Street! They restored my joy!
And I know what you're thinking. "You didn't help anyone ELSE shovel. Why in the %&#$ing hell do you expect them to help YOU?! Feeling a sense of false entitlement much?!?! I cast stones!"
And you're right.
So there.
Scene.
Submitted by
You can call me, 'Sir'
at 3/5/2008 11:07:53 AM- Hogwash. The two asshats watching your (admittedly, very entertaining) shoveling hijinx should've at least offered to help instead of standing there digesting their lunches of deep-fried not-give-a-damns.
Submitted by
Deanna
at 3/5/2008 11:14:47 AM- So glad I live in the south where we get half an inch of snow every winter and life grinds to a halt!
Submitted by
Lara
at 3/5/2008 11:15:04 AM- So what if you didn't help anyone else. If you'd been out there shovelling and you saw someone ELSE struggling, and you were all done with YOURS, you WOULD have helped, and THAT'S what counts. Same on neighbor to the left with his two snowblowers. They could have at LEAST offerred to LOAN you one. I absolve neighbor to the right because they helped Lady across the street. After that, I would consider one's neighborly duties taken care of ;) But shiiit, neighbor the the left SUCKS.
I would have helped you :)
Submitted by
Kathy
at 3/5/2008 11:31:03 AM- No one shovels in my building. There are three, strapping young men living here, and not one of them shoveled. That job goes to... me. I feel your pain.
Submitted by
Paige
at 3/5/2008 11:49:41 AM- wait! Where were Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck and Sons of Tipsy McDrunkaf*ck when you needed them?
By the way, hilarious mental picture of you flying out of your boot.
Submitted by
Paula
at 3/5/2008 11:58:07 AM- I have lived in snow country all my life and snowblowers trump shovels. The owners of the snowblowers ALWAYS help the shovelers. That's just the way it is. Now you need to plot your revenge.
Submitted by
Susan
at 3/5/2008 12:09:57 PM- Ugh! I'd had to of told those snowblower assholes a thing or two once I realized they were going to use me has their viewing entertainment. Something about those muffins you baked for them being the last effing thing they'd get from you. That's just asinine that they stood and watched you, struggling at that! Thank goodness you had one good neighbor come to the rescue. Sorry about the sore muscles but at least you got the dirt on the neighborhood.
Submitted by
Dana
at 3/5/2008 1:26:18 PM- You crack me up. Your neighbors across the street sound awesome!
Submitted by
blackbird
at 3/5/2008 1:38:27 PM- Here in Tuvalu, where everyone is perfect all the time, the merest hint of a shovel requires every neighbor to come outside and assist. Anyone still in their homes make hot dishes to feed the workers, and then we have a huge wine party with chocolate fondue for dessert.
We do this every time it snows.
Honest.
Submitted by
allison
at 3/5/2008 1:39:28 PM- I shoveled out a spot for the husband, then moved my car into it. As I was shoveling, the young hoosier neighbor came home and angled for a spot in the non-shoveled place in front of his house. Where his wife and 5-year-old had been home ALL DAY, apparently unable to shovel.
If I was nice, I would have shoveled out his spot, but they are stupid and don't walk or play with their dog or fix their gate so it latches. They also were guilty of leaving their garbage bag at the end of their yard, a mere 20 feet from the dumpster.
I hate them. It felt sorta good to watch the guy circle the block twice, trying to find a decent spot.
But I'm sure you guys are not trash-leavers or pet-ignorers or young hoosiers, so boo to your bad neighbors and god bless the neighborhood gossip!
Submitted by
Gail
at 3/5/2008 2:16:11 PM- You need to get your own snowblower. I got a nice little electric start one last year and am no longer dependent on the kindness of neighbors. I love it.
Currently, we have half an inch of ice, no shovleing needed, just lots of salt.
Submitted by
Sadie
at 3/5/2008 2:50:59 PM- My across-the-street neighbor has a blower, and he never offers to help us. Of course, it's usually my husband out there with the shovel (okay, all the time) and so he probably doesn't want to insult my husband's manhood by offering to help.
Submitted by
SnippetyGibbet
at 3/5/2008 4:05:23 PM- Amen, Sister! There'd be no more surprise goodies heading to those wretched neighbors. I'd knock on their door with a steamin' hot pie and tell them.......mmmmmmmmm...wouldn't you LOVE to have some? I made this for the good neighbors across the street."
By the way, I sneak and read some blogs at work, but I can't get Fluid Pudding. It gets blocked by the the "censors." I think it is the word "fluid" that scares them. (giggle) I used to read a craft blog whose first word in the title was "whip." They didn't like that one either.
Submitted by
cybrpunk
at 3/5/2008 5:25:07 PM- I would have helped you if I'd have seen you. I'm sick of you getting all this snow. It doesn't snow like that for decades and as soon as I leave the country... FLOOMF! Snow!
Bah....
Submitted by
dr. dave
at 3/5/2008 6:14:42 PM- wow. the thing with the sock. that may be the absolutely dorkiest image i've ever had the pleasure of imagining.
Submitted by
Carroll
at 3/5/2008 6:30:30 PM- Commenter Paige! Thank you for putting me out of the self-imposed agony of trying (trying *trying*!) to remember that "something else" we already knew about the Pudding neighbors!
Really, Angie -- next time you are stuck for a topic, I think we need a full run-down on the entire street, sordid details and all!
I hope Mr. Toe-for-a-Thumb was duly appreciative of your efforts when he returned to the manse :-)
Submitted by
Heather B.
at 3/6/2008 5:15:40 AM- You are so much better than I am. I would have lost it and flipped out on someone and then would have had to plot my revenge. Which is very mean and un-neighborly but whatever.
Submitted by
krista
at 3/6/2008 10:24:53 AM- All I was thinking while I read was that you were burning calories like crazy and hoping Jeff would bring hope a tasty treat--but you got some! Those dorks must have not liked pumpkin, and I am sure they will never have any again, from you!
Submitted by
sam
at 3/6/2008 10:44:17 AM- I have two neighbours who do the same thing to me. I'm pregnant and my husband was out of town and they watched me shovel my damn drive.
Stupid asshats.
Glad you had the nice neighbours come and help - and a little gossip tends to make it all better, no?
Submitted by
Meira
at 3/6/2008 12:32:14 PM- Nope -- they totally show have used the snow-blower on your driveway. No doubt about it.
Submitted by
MomOnTheGo
at 3/6/2008 2:48:00 PM- We got that same 12 inches yesterday. The snowbank on the lawn where we're supposed to put the snow from the driveway is 8 or 9 feet deep. Once I pushed the snow to the edge for my husband to fling on the snowbank and he said pushing it across gave him a chance to rest between flings. I shovel the side walk. My neighbour, whose driveway would hold 2 cars, tore up half of her lawn so that her son could park his car and she wouldn't have to move it to leave her garage. That means they have even more to shovel onto our shared front yard. No one with a snow blower has ever helped but the neighbour across the way has. The guy with whom we share a driveway pretends we don't exist if he is shovelling when we are and he often drives through our half to avoid shovelling his. Grrr. Surely by the end of April it will have all melted (please, please, please). I feel better for venting, thanks.
Submitted by
Cheap Like Me
at 3/6/2008 3:25:58 PM- Did you try calling out to them in a friendly voice, "Yo, dickweeds! Come blow my snow!" Sometimes that helps. But then you don't get doughnuts.
Submitted by
Sandy
at 3/6/2008 11:40:14 PM- Then yesterday, by noon, there was no snow on the ground. I avoided all this nonsense by sagely ignoring the snow on Tuesday and letting it take care of itself.
Submitted by
brit
at 3/7/2008 9:39:46 PM- whatever! Was anyone else shoveling with two children on the loose? No! You are a rockstar!
Submitted by
Grace
at 3/9/2008 11:54:41 AM- Sucks that the 'two snowblower' guys didn't raise a finger to assist you. DANG! But, thankfully, Mrs. Across the Street and her husband pitched in like good neighbors should...AND you got some donuts and the gossip!
Submitted by
Tempered Woman
at 3/11/2008 1:27:55 PM- Ok~ I usually lurk but I had to shout out "I FEEL YOUR PAIN!"
I freakin make Christmas cookies for my neighbors every year (all freakin 12 of them). I have flowers/gifts delivered when major life events occur (baby, funeral, etc). My hubby was deployed for 15 months. No one ever offered to help me with shoveling let alone a mowing or maybe "here, let me get that paper for you."
And I know for a fact they saw my big butt shoveling cause I'd see them shoveling, snow blowing, ATV with a shovel attachment whatevering (yes, really).
Hubby comes home. Snow hits. A lot of snow. He walk outside for 3 seconds and the neighbor down the street asks if he wants him to use his riding lawn mower with shovel attachment on the driveway for him. Not a NEW neighbor. A thrice endowed with Christmas cookies neighbor. WTF??
Submitted by
Mrs.M
at 3/13/2008 8:48:11 AM- I feel your frustration!
In this Alberta city we have a "snow angel" campaign put on by the city, which encourages everyone to be a snow angel and shovel your neighbors walk (cause we're fined if it's not shovelled promptly). Lovley idea. P*$%!! me off. We have two particular neighbors who NEVER reciprocate and we have shovelled for them many times....even when I was super pregnant & had a toddler to watch I would shovel for them.
So yay for Mr & Mrs Across the Street. They rock!
Submitted by
k.minnesota
at 3/18/2008 9:07:23 PM- Two things:
1. I am often left to handle the snow shoveling (Jon and work and all) and I STILL to this day, cannot figure out where to start. Shovel a line down the middle and work from there? Go back and forth? Start at the bottom? Start at the top?
2. My true-minnesotan, snowblowers-as-big-as-elephants neighbors actually stood in their driveways and watched me shovel when I was 8 months pregnant. I wanted to walk across the snow-filled street and tackle them to to the ground.
Anyway. I loved your description of the "jolt" while shoveling and the boot falling off. Perfection.
So sorry for your woes. If you baked for them, they should have snowplowed for you, that's the rules in snow country. I only wish we were getting the snow you got, because here in the east, we're building arks and pumping basements.
I say, if it's winter, it should be snow, dammit. NOT RAIN.
Loved your description of the jarring and boot loss!! Can't believe the snowblowers didn't come over then. OR when you went back in the house. Sometimes they like to work on the sly, as if it's a mystery who helped out. Those guys don't know the rules.
And for the future, it doesn't matter if it's up and down or back and forth, as long as the car can get in or out of the driveway. Had I been there, I would have joined Mrs. Across the Street and helped out the Puddings. I'm like that. And then I bake for everyone who helped.