Now I have to figure out what to do about the squirrels.
Every night before bed I do this thing where I turn out the light and then sit on the edge of the bed to remove my socks.
After removing my socks, I lift my legs and throw them onto the bed (still attached to my torso, of course) as quickly as humanly possible.
I do this maneuver with utmost speed because I'm imagining Hazel (the woman who died in our front yard) hiding out beneath my bed and itching to grab my bare ankles with her cold dead fingers.
(I also like to imagine that we have squirrels living under the bed, but that's a whole different story.)
Last night I finally told Jeff about my nightly mini freak-outs.
Me: So, do you think I'm crazy for imagining Dead Hazel under our bed?
Jeff: It's a little weird, but I think you can turn it around.
Me: How can I turn it around?
Jeff: We don't know what Hazel looked like. Why don't you imagine that she looks like Tina Fey?
Me: Then I wouldn't mind if she grabbed my ankles and pulled me under the bed. It might be a hoot!
Jeff: That's what I'm saying.
Me: And when you come to bed in an hour, will you be spooked if you hear me giggling with someone under the bed?
Jeff: I'll just assume you're cracking wise about a presidential candidate.
Me: Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight, Elton John!
Jeff: Love is patient. Love is kind. Blah, blah, blah, it endures all things.
Submitted by
Kelly
at 3/27/2008 2:18:15 PM- Maybe you know my sister? Who had to live with me, who hid under her bed at her bedtime (mine was an hour later because I'm older) while she was brushing her teeth in the bathroom, and pulled out the covers down at the foot of her bed...and when she fell asleep I reached up under the sheets and grabbed her feet.
Poor kid is trying to raise two toddlers. I'm sure growing up with me didn't give her any helpful tools.
Submitted by
Stephanie
at 3/27/2008 2:27:44 PM- I am also afraid of what lies beneath my bead. In fact, your post inspired me to admit the same, so I linked to you and wrote my own admission.
Submitted by
You can call me, 'Sir'
at 3/27/2008 2:57:47 PM- That's actually a very effective method of paraphrasing an astonishingly high number of biblical quotes.
Submitted by
Mocha
at 3/27/2008 4:55:24 PM- Tina says 'hi'. She's currently under my desk. I keep her there by day to bring the funny.
Submitted by
allison
at 3/27/2008 5:22:47 PM- I'm glad I'm not the only one. I might be 35, but I'll be damned if I'm the last one to turn off all the lights after watching 4 consecutive episodes of Ghost Hunters!
And if I have a mid-night pee? I actually cover the sides of my eyes so I don't accidentally see the figures I'm sure are lurking in my kitchen and dining room.
It's payback for hiding under my mother's bed and grabbing her ankles.
Submitted by
Alli
at 3/27/2008 5:50:09 PM- (short for Allison - you have two of us)
I feel so much better! I am a total ninny like that and can't even have my feet uncovered in bed ever for fear someone might grab them. I also watch scary movies with my hands over my eyes!
Submitted by
Carroll
at 3/27/2008 10:08:56 PM- Tow words: platform bed.
And that Jeff? He's a keeper!
Submitted by
Carroll
at 3/27/2008 10:10:48 PM- (Uhm...everyone will know I meant "two" words, right? Not "words with which to tow you off the bed by your ankles" or anything. Doh!)
Submitted by
sarah
at 3/28/2008 9:32:01 AM- I love those moments when the universe grabs you by the ankles and says, "You married the right person."
Submitted by
Barbara
at 3/29/2008 1:31:32 AM- Ooh! What if waiting for you is Tina Fey with sourdough toast and a really good dirty joke?
And I can't search for the light switch on the wall in a dark room in case a furry, moist monster hand is waiting for me to touch it. Because it IS.
Submitted by
Kathy
at 3/29/2008 4:49:15 PM- I'm afraid I might find roaches or other creepy crawlies under my bed. Ghosts I can handle.
Submitted by
Dooley
at 3/30/2008 8:08:54 AM- I jumped into the top bunk for at least 5 years -- you know, because the shark from 'Jaws' was under the bed and had already devoured my sister in the lower bunk. I also Rube Goldberged a contraption made of 3 yardsticks, yarn, masking tape and cup hooks so I could turn off the light switch from the bunk.
Who lets a kid under 10 see 'Jaws' in the theater?!
Submitted by
Lori
at 3/30/2008 8:27:57 PM- Our last house had an "open" staircase to the basement (no risers between the steps) and I was always convinced that dead people were going to reach between the steps and grab my ankles. I know ... dead people don't do much of anything, but still. That thought plagued every trip up and down the stairs. I'm glad we sold that house. No dead people at the new one!
Submitted by
All Adither
at 3/30/2008 11:37:11 PM- Under beds doesn't bother me. But the fact that there very well could be a giant cat turd outside our bedroom door does.
My husbands brother, when they were young, once hid under the bed with an ice pack on his hand, waiting for him to sit down to get in bed. Grabbed his ankle with his icy cold clammy hand and almost killed him with fright. Makes for a good story now, but was horrifying at the time.