Dear Esteemed Mayor of Pretendville,
The description you posted for a Pretend Pamphleteer perfectly parallels my plans and proficiencies!
With my background in hyperbole and musings, I am confident that I would make a very successful and creative Pretender (we're back on the chain gang, Chrissie Hynde). In fact, my experience as a Stay at Home Mother perfectly demonstrates my capability of working with others through the creative process of Pretending while meeting the challenges presented to me. And most of that sentence came straight from a form letter!
To illustrate Just How Ready I am to be a permanent resident of Pretendville, please allow me to share today's agenda with you.
I am going to pretend that Harper hasn't been suffering from the butt flu on and off for over a week now.
I am going to pretend to not see the ants taking over our kitchen.
I am going to pretend that Ira Glass really DID leave a comment on my website.
I am going to pretend that the towels in the dryer haven't been drying for two days straight. (Actually, that won't be terribly difficult, because they HAVEN'T been drying for two days straight. They've been bouncing around and making out with one another for two days, but they're still sopping wet. I've cleaned the lint out. I've done everything that everyone has suggested. I hereby wash my hands of the towels. And I'll be drip drying, obviously.)
I am going to pretend that I'm not behind on my knitting, and I'm going to pretend that saying such a thing doesn't make me sound really lame.
I am going to pretend to not see the Jehovah's Witnesses walking up my street. (I am going to pretend that I never invited them into my house a few months back.)
I am going to pretend that Harper can change her own stinkin' diaper.
I am going to pretend that Weight Watchers doesn't charge me two points for every cup of coffee I drink. (And again! I'm going to pretend that I don't sound ridiculous...)
Let's turn this ship around, Mayor.
I am going to pretend that I own every colorway of Woolly Boully yarn. (She's stocking her Etsy store! Check out the Sand Crab--and remind me to do my sand crab impression for you someday!)
I am going to pretend that this weekend will be spent knitting, eating sushi, and drinking martinis with friends while wearing nice-butt jeans and orange clogs.
There. That's better.
Thank you for your time and consideration, Mayor.
I'm tired.
Your buddy,
FP
Submitted by
Becky
at 4/11/2008 10:22:21 AM- Don't be so afraid of those JW's, we aren't all so bad.
Submitted by
FP
at 4/11/2008 10:28:25 AM- Courtney--Isn't it annoying?! I feel like I'm quickly becoming Al Gore's enemy!
Becky--I know. I really don't mean to blanket. Actually, the women I invited in are totally nice. They don't come by anymore (probably because my house was a wreck). The woman who comes around now sort of stomps around the neighborhood in a weird trench coat. She gives me the willies.
Submitted by
Amy in StL
at 4/11/2008 10:39:07 AM- Would it help if I spent my weekend that way? No? Are you sure? Hmmm, okay then, I'll just do the sushi part.
Submitted by
Carroll
at 4/11/2008 3:16:26 PM- OH! I have a product recommendation for you!! This will totally help out with the ants!!! "HotShot Home Insect Control Clear Formula" Around here it's available at Home Depot and Walgreens (other places too, I'm sure. It lays claim to "9 month control" but I swear, the places I used it well over a year and a half ago have yet to see another ant. It's odorless, so you can use it around the kitchen without feeling like you are poisoning the air as well as the nooks and crannies. If any gets on my counter, I just wipe it off -- haven't dies yet (it's probably tasteless too, but hey, I wouldn't recommend you cook with the stuff) I have had chronic ant troubles for years (pantry, kitchen, other places) and truly, all through last Spring and summer not a single one. It's a miracle! It comes in a clear plastic trigger-handle squirt bottle with blue and white label. Get some!!! (And no, I have no financial interest in the stuff -- heck, it can't possibly sell very well -- you hardly need to use more than a squirt or two, and clearly the 32 oz I bought way back when is going to be enough to last me a lifetime!)
Submitted by
You can call me, 'Sir'
at 4/11/2008 3:42:50 PM- Two points for a cup of coffee!!?!?! It's water with bean drippings!!!!!! HELLOOOOO!!!!!
Friekin' weight-watcher nazis.
Submitted by
Mutha Mae
at 4/11/2008 4:47:19 PM- It could very well be Ira Glass! You know my story about my brush with fame in regards to my blog. Which I'm still keeping quiet... oooh you're an insider with the information! But if it can happen to me, surely it can happen to you. (I still communicate with her, BTW.) The online world is a craaaaaazy place.
Today I am going to pretend the day never happened. It has been crap-tastic and has no sign of improving anytime soon. Stupid day!
Submitted by
Alli
at 4/11/2008 5:53:23 PM- You need a professional sucker-outer for your dryer. They come with a long snake vaccum type thing and suck out all the lint stuck way inside the longer-than-you-thought dryer tubes thereby rendereing your dryer useful again and preventing a big old fire! run on sentence, run on.
Submitted by
Lori
at 4/11/2008 7:02:31 PM- I'm going to pretend you didn't split all those infinitives. Also, I like that my laptop remembers your confirmation so when I type "bu ..." it quickly offers up "buckethead" with what I can only imagine is technological enthusiasm. And if we could eat sushi and drink booze and find jeans that make our @sses look great, we'd ALL die happy! Tell us if you figure that out!
Submitted by
Snippety Gibbet
at 4/12/2008 3:31:03 PM- You know......when I try to read your blog during my lunch break at work, it gets blocked by the school system censors. I always thought it was because the word "fluid" was on their list of things possibly unacceptable on the internets. Now I realize that it is because you include such filth as towel porn.
Oh god, my towels are making out in a wet mess, too! I had just about stripped down before getting in the shower when I went to grab a freshly warm and dry towel straight from the dryer- SOAKING WET. Grr...
For now I'll just have to use my blow dryer (: