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Socks and Vaginas! Cha cha cha!

If you would have seen me at twelve o'clock yesterday afternoon, you would have noticed my uncanny resemblance to a Vietnamese Spring Roll.

(I was hooping it up all gynecological style for my annual pelvic exam, and I somehow managed to get the gigantic cloth napkin thing to wrap all the way around me in a manner that would surely win me a spot on the next Project Runway.)

But that's not important.

What IS important is the conversation that took place once I unwrapped myself, sprawled out, and achieved the Position of This-is-Getting-Serious.

My Doctor (with my feet up by her ears): Did you knit these socks?

Me (always feeling slightly vulnerable in this position, regardless of the fact that the woman speaking to me has held my bladder in her hand and is now simply offering up a compliment): I did!

My Doctor: You always have the greatest socks!

Me (instantly making a mental note to knit this woman some socks!): If you think my SOCKS are great, you should see my vaginal canal! Ha! Oh. Ouch. Speculum.


We then had an enlightening ten minute conversation. And ten minutes is all it took for me to decide that Yes. I am done having children.

(By the way, Jeff is done, too. So that worked out well.)

Also, guess who's getting an IUD, Sporty?! Me! Maybe!

(Am I sharing too much? It's still early. Sometimes my divulgence filter doesn't crystallize until 10:24.)

Posted by: fluidpudding on 5/16/2008 7:29:20 AM , 34 comments
Submitted by Alli at 5/16/2008 7:33:51 AM
    IUD is the way to go - just in case. I had my tubes tied this last pregnancy (2 girls - 8 years apart) and every once in a while it makes me sad.
Submitted by SparklieSunShine at 5/16/2008 8:28:10 AM
    It still amazes me that there are people out there talented enough to make their own socks.

    I do the same thing at doctors appointments where for some reason I make weird nonsensical jokes that just end up making me feeling more uncomfortable. Oh well. I always think the doctors just end up being amused.
Submitted by SparklieSunShine at 5/16/2008 8:29:07 AM
    P.S. - You don't happen to sell socks on Etsy, do you?
Submitted by Courtney Watson at 5/16/2008 8:48:19 AM
    Any mention of a speculum brings a tingly cool sensation "down there."

    I think I finally knitted 1/127th of a scarf- but then I put it down somewhere and three months later when I find it, I forget how to knit.

    So now I have eight 1/127th scarves.

Submitted by Nominimom at 5/16/2008 9:12:50 AM
    We will mark this day with deep sadness as the day the world learned there would be no more extraordinarily adorable Fluidpudding children. Come on, don't you want to give the Duggars a run for their money! ;-)
Submitted by blackbird at 5/16/2008 9:14:44 AM
    Do IUD's still have strings?
    You could knit one.
Submitted by Jenny at 5/16/2008 9:29:18 AM
    Maybe you could design and market some Speculum Socks to the gynecological community. You know, since those things are so.darn.cold. Sorry. I tried.

    By the way, IUDs are the new black.
Submitted by schmutzie at 5/16/2008 9:49:02 AM
Submitted by Amanda at 5/16/2008 9:59:35 AM
    I'm probably over sharing, (although your post does includes the word speculum so I'm guessing it's okay) but I have the Mirena IUD and it comes with the magic combination of almost entirely removing your period without removing your sex drive.

    I'm with Jenny. Speculum Socks sounds like a gold mine!
Submitted by Wendy at 5/16/2008 10:11:47 AM
    I second the Mirena vote! The IUDs are becoming awfully en vogue, aren't they?
Submitted by Susan at 5/16/2008 10:25:21 AM
    Cold speculum??? I guess I must be one of the lucky ones out there that gets toasty, warm metal placed in my twat. I think you should market knitted stirrup covers instead. :-)
Submitted by Emily at 5/16/2008 12:03:39 PM
    I highly recommend the Mirena as well. Two day periods that only require a sanitary napkin? Yes Please!
Submitted by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at 5/16/2008 12:27:30 PM
    Oh great, now the "socks and vaginas cha cha cha" song is stuck in my head.

    I hope you are happy.
Submitted by Amy in StL at 5/16/2008 1:04:03 PM
    Wait?!? There's a song?
Submitted by Jen at 5/16/2008 1:05:35 PM
    I wanna see the socks!
Submitted by Maiken at 5/16/2008 2:48:21 PM
    I have a Mirena IUD as well and it is so cool. I don't forget to take that pill thingy, and my periods are mucho lighter (but a bit longer). I wonder if you could knit a condom- out of latex.
Submitted by mp at 5/16/2008 3:52:51 PM
    Congrats!! On the IUD and the recognition of well knit socks.

    Aren't they itchy on your feet? I would think home made socks would also be too big for shoes... Show me..
Submitted by FP at 5/16/2008 5:37:09 PM
    SparklieSunShine--I don't sell socks on Etsy. I would, but they take forever, and I doubt many people would be up for paying me for my time. (OhMyGodI'mSoExpensive.)

    Courtney Watson--You should come out to our knit nights! (The next one I'll be at is in two weeks!)

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah--The only thing that would make me happier would be a video of you singing the SAVCCC song!

    Jen--It's your lucky day! I call them my Radioactive Sex Monkeys, and here they are!


    mp--Not itchy at all. Don't get me wrong, some wool socks are, but most aren't. And they're knitted on tiny tiny needles, so there's no problem wearing them with shoes.

    Everyone--Thanks for the Mirena encouragement! It sounds like all of the cool kids are getting them!
Submitted by jen at 5/16/2008 5:57:44 PM
    Just chiming in here (nice socks!) to add more praise for the Mirena. I have had mine for 4 years (have to get it checked out and see if we are replacing it at 5 years or what).

    The best thing? I haven't had a period in literally years. If I had to guess the date of my last menstrual period, I'd say it would pre-date Harper.
Submitted by RubiaLala at 5/16/2008 8:28:17 PM
    Will you tell me if you notice weight gain as a side affect after you get the IUD?
Submitted by FP at 5/16/2008 9:42:34 PM
    RubiaLala--I will definitely tell you. With that said, I might not represent the average IUD customer, in that I'm constantly doing the Weight Watchers thing. (I just checked the literature, and it says that weight gain is not a common side effect. Have you heard otherwise?)
Submitted by Lisa at 5/17/2008 2:45:13 AM
    I vote for the Mirena too. LOVE IT!
    PMS is a thing of the past..yay!
Submitted by islaygirl at 5/17/2008 5:01:57 PM
    i add my praise to the mirena. my only problem was the first three months i felt like SOMETHING WAS PRESSING ON MY BLADDER ALL THE TIME. which was mucho strange. i was just about to have it removed, and day 90 *pling* everything was fine.

    i have almost no periods. period. maybe some random spotting every three months or so? i still get PMS, which is annoying, but i'll take it if the trade is not having the period. no weird weight gain for me. LOVE IT.
Submitted by islaygirl at 5/17/2008 5:02:46 PM
    errr, FOR the mirena.
Submitted by dee at 5/17/2008 5:45:00 PM
    I'm digging this IUD forum you've started here in your comment section. I, too, have been debating the jump to the IUD bandwagon (where guitars are strummed with wee little IUDs...that is if the wagon indeed consists of a band).

    We went for kid #3 recently and wound up with kidS #3 and 4. So, it's either IUD or a trip to the barbershop for the balls. ::snip snip::

    Thank you for sharing too much. :-) Please, keep sharing.
Submitted by Suebob at 5/17/2008 7:52:26 PM
    Better than Scott getting the IUD, I think.
Submitted by javamama at 5/18/2008 9:07:13 AM
    Oooh, Mirena. My doc has been encouraging me to get this for a year to curb my periods because after number three, thing are crazy in the menstrual department. I also have PCOS so everything is all unpredicatble.

    I won't take the pill because I have a freaky blod-clot phobia, so I guess Mirena is the way to go. Indeed, it does seem all the cool kids are doing it. Huh.

Submitted by Summer at 5/18/2008 9:18:23 AM
    Yay for the Mirena IUD! I have it, and it not only raised my IQ 25 points, it enabled me to sautee boneless, skinless chicken breasts without drying them out.

    It's magic, I tell ya. Magic in a plastic intrauterine device.
Submitted by Cheap Like Me at 5/19/2008 5:19:01 PM
    I'm late to the coochie party, but I had an IUD for 5 years ... not Mirena ... the other one. A T? I liked it, except for the raging cramps and golf-ball-size clots. But my friend LOVED it!

    Then I had the Nuvaring - that thing is AWESOME. I am nervous about not having periods, but Nuvaring had those puppies reined in.
Submitted by Jennifer Myszkowski at 5/19/2008 8:10:27 PM
    I do not understand why, in this age of modern science, anyone bothers having a period every month anymore. If you're not trying to get pregnant, there's no earthly reason you need to have one.

    I read an article a long time about that said that the average woman back in the olden days had 50 periods in her life. In her whole life. It was mostly due to frequent pregnancy and nursing and all that, plus bad nutrition, but it got me to thinking about how it took me four short years to have 50 periods and I was about done.

    I went on Seasonale for a while, but switched over to Mirena and have been blissfully period free since October of 2006. It is TOTALLY the way to go. No fuss, no muss and -- according to its literature -- more effective than tubal ligation.

    Warning: it hurt like a mother fucker going in. There is no way around that pain. But it went away in about three hours. Three hours of pain for years of period-free living? Sign me up!
Submitted by FP at 5/19/2008 8:21:46 PM
    Jennifer--50 periods. 50! Unbelievable! AND, I'm with you. I'm totally into the three hours worth of motherfucking pain ESPECIALLY if this will somehow have an affect on my monthly migraines. Mirena!
Submitted by ap at 5/20/2008 7:04:47 AM
    Mirena is awesome. I've had endometriosis with killer debilitating periods, finally got the IUD about 9 months ago and it has been AMAZING. I did feel some cramping for 2 weeks, and getting it in sucked, but that said I am signing up in advance for another 5 years when this is done! I haven't had a period since, and I don't have any type of PMS or signs of ovulation (the usual dull ache or anything like that). The getting it in part just takes literally seconds.
Submitted by pharmgirl at 5/20/2008 7:09:02 PM
    Had the IUD for 6 years.
    Loved it for 6 years.
    No problems to date.
Submitted by Lesley at 5/28/2008 10:37:16 AM
    Yes, another vote for the Mirena. I'm on my second one. 6.5 years and only 2 spotty periods! Yippee! The painful insertion I found wasn't very painful (to me), but some ibuprofen beforehand would probably help that. Just some minor cramps afterwards. I wasn't ready for the no more kids decision. Even though I probably won't have any more. It's too sad to make it FINAL.
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