On Behalf Of The Entire Block, Shut Up About Trading Spaces Already, Ron.
[an open letter]
It’s been six years, Ron. Six. Years. The rest of the country has moved on from Trading Spaces, and frankly so should you. Yes, you were one of the lucky so-and-so’s who got a free makeover courtesy of The Learning Channel. Yes, you and Nancy made it onto the highlight clips because she cried and collapsed into your arms on the reveal. I’m even willing to grant you a little slack for the fact that you got on the show before it started spinning off into a tractionless pit of increasingly over-themed episodes.
But here’s the deal, Ron. You’ve got to stop it with the unsolicited home repair advice. Seriously. When someone is perched on a ladder twenty feet off the ground, they don’t want you wandering into their yard and telling them to “drag the paint across the surface.” We’ve all held a paintbrush before, Ron. Prior to the Trading Spaces crew showing up, you couldn’t change a light bulb without googling first. And now you’re telling us how to get even coverage with a high-gloss exterior paint? Screw you, Ron. Screw. You.
You didn’t even trade spaces with somebody here in the neighborhood. You went outside, Ron. Everybody knows you and Nancy went with The Mahoneys over in Glenwood Heights because you were after Cathy Mahoney’s skills as a graphic designer. You guys aren’t even that close of friends. You hurt a lot of feelings with that one, buddy, as I’m sure Nancy could feel at Mahjong Mondays. Did Trading Spaces teach you how to fix a stepped-on-toe, Ron? No, I didn’t think so.
Your house didn’t even get the good designer. You got Frank, ok? Frank. At least your tradees got Hildy, though god knows they didn’t know what to do with her. (Fighting her on the Japanese screens because they looked “Oriental” was an embarrassment for the entire town.) But you got Frank, who turned your living room into a flaming adobe nightmare. It looks like a gay disco in Tucson, Ron. In 1982. I swear to god. And you have the gall to tell us we need to “refresh” our den? You see what we’re getting at here?
By the way, now how do you feel about that styrofoam kokopelli they spray-mounted above your fireplace? Oh sure, when you were on camera you were all “Man, that’s the coolest ever!” But it doesn’t look so hot now does it, Ron? Once the cameras were gone, that little “project” didn’t really stand the test of time, did it? Started chipping off the very next day, didn’t it? Take a hint from the kokopelli, Ron. Just let it the hell go.
It’s a new year, Ron. Time to move on. We’re all watching HGTV now. And so help me, if you and Nancy show up on House Hunters I’m coming over there and punching you both in the face.
Submitted by
Robin
at 1/5/2007 2:14:07 PM- I hate making comments that say, "Oh my God! Too funny!" But that's what I'm going to do because oh my God! Too funny! And I have nothing else insightful to offer.
Submitted by
Susan
at 1/5/2007 5:18:41 PM- omg I am dying over here! Is this all true?
Submitted by
gasoline hobo
at 1/5/2007 5:56:42 PM- i have to admit that i was on the fence until i googled "kokopelli". you now have my full and unequivocal support. i'll bring the brass knuckles.
can we go after Zamphir (master of the pan flute) after we're done with Ron and Nancy? The Wind Beneath My Wings was bad enough when Bette Midler did it, but coverage via panflute is just a crime.
Submitted by
Jack's Raging Mommy
at 1/5/2007 9:19:36 PM- I hope you used real names. And that Ron knows you Blog.
Oh, how I hope :)
Submitted by
jchrisrock
at 1/6/2007 10:12:37 AM- Lucky for all of us, Ron and Nancy (and the Glenwood Heights Mahoneys) don't exist. Though it is true that Frank's designs consistently sucked. And that nobody ever really understood Hildy. Poor Hildy.
Submitted by
Louise
at 1/6/2007 2:36:06 PM- Doesn't make it any less funny knowing Ron and Nancy (snort snort) aren't for real!
Submitted by
Mocha
at 1/7/2007 9:18:26 PM- This is one of the best open letters ever and I truly hope Ron reads this or that someone who feels the same way about him reads this.
Because then there might be a follow up open letter.
Submitted by
Meghan
at 1/9/2007 2:13:23 PM- My best friend was on "Househunters" and she stopped talking about it eons ago (the blond haired sisters in Minneapolis). In fact, I had a cameo at the end of the show when they had a bbq. I was shown on camera in my 8.5 month pregnant glory drinking a bottle of root beer that looked, on camera, to be an actualy beer. NICE.
People did stop her on the street to ask questions about the show. I had no idea how popular it was.
Your neighbor house sounds very ugly! and he sounds very annoying!
AND your post was very funny.
So dang funny I can hardly stand it.
B