The goal was to write every day in November, but I took yesterday off because as some people might say: I wasn’t in a good place. SO, I punished myself by forcing the failure of my goal. Sounds crazy? It is! Maybe someday I’ll tell you all about my history with self-punishment, but today is not that day because today I want to tell you these things:
1. I’ve been taking Vitamin E because I heard it will help fade mosquito bite scars. So far, it is absolutely not working.
2. I went to Trader Joe’s last week and I couldn’t NOT buy the Nuts About Rosemary Mix. Every time I open the can, I think about my friend whose mom’s name is Rosemary. I also think about How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying because of this.
Sadly, these damned nuts are not only delicious, but they’re also a migraine trigger. Life is so uncertain.
3. Now that the election is over, my Facebook feed is starting to fill with people judging others for putting up Christmas tree lights too early. Damnit! I say: Unless you’re wrapping your lights a little too tightly around the necks of street urchins, hang those lights.
4. My therapist is trying to work with me on Confrontation and my (mostly unhealthy) avoidance of it. As a result, every single time I feel like disagreeing with someone, I don’t. And then I feel shitty because my therapist is in my head saying, “Speak your truth.” BUT, this is my truth: Unless your (often unsolicited) truth has knocked me down and is kicking the shit out of me, I can walk away from it. That’s the nice thing about having legs and choices.
(Side note: I’ve been having this dream lately where I can’t walk. I try to walk, but it just hurts. By the way, nobody wants to hear about dreams.)
5. I always laugh to myself when people talk about their truths or their journeys. I have no idea why I think those phrases are funny (overuse, maybe?), but I do.
Today is a good day for everyone who voted for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.
I know it’s not such a good day for those who didn’t.
(You probably know that today is a good day for me and my family.)
((A few of you also know that I have never said the words President and Trump together. I never will. I will also never say the words “National Treasure” and “Mariah Carey” together.))
The next few months and maybe even years are going to be rough, but I also know we all want what’s best. Some of us just have a different idea of what “best” means and how to get there.
I hope I live to see the day when things don’t get ugly during election season. The past few months have been shitty.
More importantly, I hope I live to see the day when Every American is willing to fight for Every American without exception.
Also, the day when Every American is supportive and welcoming to those who are trying so hard to become American citizens.
Let’s make the best of this, regardless of how the day has gone for you.
(Full disclosure: Four years ago when Trump was elected, I was all, “fuck Fuck FUCK!” so I totally understand the people who are rolling their eyes at what I wrote up there. I get it.)
Everything keeps happening, and a lot of it is just so awful.
BUT! I went to the eye doctor this morning and then I drove to Trader Joe’s where I stocked up on dried apricots and raw cheese and rosemary nuts and THEN I scored a referral for a psychiatrist AND a colonoscopy!
And you may be saying to yourself, “Wait. Didn’t she just have a colonoscopy in 2014?” I did!
If you ever find yourself talking about me, and the person with whom you are speaking says, “Wait. I think I know who you’re talking about. Who does she look like?” you can use these three men as examples.
I mean, Nabokov is a stretch but the other two are eerily accurate.
Of course, as I’ve mentioned many times before, Jeff Goldblum is my doppelgänger.
One of the few great things I’ve done in the past eight months? I found a therapist. I hadn’t seen a therapist in nearly thirty years, because:
She was super nice (although very much into molestation). The wife of one of my favorite professors. And I’m definitely not against hypnotization. In fact, I let her try to hypnotize me, but I fell asleep on the couch and she seemed a little pissed when she had to wake me up. (She released me as a client shortly after my nap.)
This guy was a therapist specializing in career counseling, and I saw him after I graduated from college while I was bagging up dead folks at the hospital. I did go out for a drink after therapy, but never with Mitchell the Therapist. (I ended our relationship less than a month after Cobain’s suicide.)
This is my current therapist, and I’m not going to draw her because I don’t want to reveal her identity. Unlike Therapist #1 and Therapist #2, Therapist #3 asks good questions and makes me talk and our conversations lately have gone a little bit like this:
Therapist #3 (T3): Your feelings are valid.
Me: No, I know, but…
T3: Your feelings are valid and your happiness is just as important as anyone else’s happiness.
T3: Let’s do a quick exercise. Make a list of the 5 people who are the most important to you.
Me: (makes list)
T3: Now, tell me where you fall on the list.
Me: I’m not on the list.
T3: (Looks at me.)
Me: I know.
I love her. She will not fix me, but she might put some tools in my toolbox and we all need tools.
When Meredith was 12, she decided to be Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars for Halloween.
Hazel was on oxygen, so putting the costume together was fairly easy: Magritte shirt and nasal cannula.
Because the middle school had a fairly strict dress code that prohibited the glorification of tobacco or drug use, I sent a photo of the shirt to the principal and said something like, “I just wanted you to know that Meredith will be wearing this Rene Magritte shirt to school for the Halloween celebration. She has decided to dress up as Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars, which is her favorite book. Hazel wears the shirt in the movie.” The principal came back with something like, “Nope. With a picture of a pipe, the shirt glorifies tobacco use, which is prohibited in our dress code.”
I told Meredith that the principal won’t let her wear the shirt because it has a pipe on it.
Meredith: But this is NOT a pipe.
Me: You’re totally right! I think you should wear it.
And she did, because: It was Halloween, it glorifies Rene Magritte more than it glorifies tobacco use, and Fuck It.
(I MIGHT try NaBloPoMo this year. There’s an election going on next week, and I have a funny feeling I’ll be experiencing emotions.)