Are you hinting my apples are not what they ought to be?!

Getting ready to bend it!
Did you hear the rumbling noise yesterday morning at approximately 11:30 CST? That, my friend, was me becoming a soccer mom. I’m not quite sure what the new job entails, other than hauling the kids around three or four times each week for practices and games.

Also, I believe it means I need more skirts. Here is my most recent fabric choice:

spooky trees

In my breezy world, everyone needs a skirt with spooky trees. And the apples make it the perfect skirt for meeting the teacher on Wednesday evening, don’t you think? (School starts on Thursday. School starts on Thursday! And suddenly, it’s almost Christmas.)

This morning on the way to get flu shots, we passed by a pizza dump.

Me: Wait! Roll down your windows. Do you smell the pizza crust baking?!

Meredith: That’s not pizza. That’s my burning flesh.

Five minutes later, she asked if I have ever been arrested. When I told her I have not, she made it clear that she did not believe me.

I’ll miss Meredith when school starts. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

24 thoughts on “Are you hinting my apples are not what they ought to be?!”

  1. I adore Meredith. Simply adore her. :-) Welcome to the West County Soccer Mom Club. It can be an interesting place. . . . I swore I would never become one. Guess I sealed the deal when I said never.

  2. Oh my word, that child is hilarious.

    I also have to wonder why she feels that she should doubt your (lack-of) jail time.

    So funny.

  3. My boss called me a future soccer mom last week. And, then I got fired for giving him a black eye.

    (kidding on the last part, I only WANTED to give him a black eye)

  4. Gah!!! The trees in the Wizard of Oz disturbed me tremendously as a child and to this day creep me out! I’ll be having nightmares tonight…thanks for that!

  5. How do you expect the kid to have any street cred if her mom’s never been arrested, for crying out loud? Well, fortunately there’s still time before Thursday. Maybe knock over a bank or something, real quick-like. And wear that skirt; it’ll help identify you in the lineup.

  6. You should always answer ‘yes’ to their queries about a criminal past. It works better if you have a tattoo to go along with the story. And maybe you can fashion a shiv for them to admire. Then at soccer practice, they can announce to all within earshot, ‘My mommy will cut a bitch!’ and no one will try to steal the ball from them ever again.

  7. Pair that skirt with a kicky apple green sweater, some tights and comfy shoes and you are all set for Autumn Marching Band Season! Funnel cakes! Terrible “country” artwork stands! Hooray!

  8. Pizza dump? I’m not familiar with that term. Perhaps that’s because in the south we have barbecue shacks. I imagine it’s the same sort of thing.

  9. I think being a soccer mom brings one to new levels of cool accountability. Not that I am one, but I just have that feeling. Just imagine the conversations you could have with Meredith with this involved

    “Hey–roll down your windows, do you smell that fantastic breakfast diner down the street?”

    “Roll ’em up. That’s just your bacon lip balm…again.”

    Plus think of the other soccer moms you could fool into believing that you whipped up the whole team a fabulous nutritious meal when they come to pick the kids up from your house! From the makers of Baconnaise!

    No, I don’t blame you at all if you block my IP from comments.

  10. I think I just scared my neighbor’s cat with my sudden shriek of laughter. (did I spell shriek correctly? I don’t think it looks right. Shriek? It looks more like Shrek everytime I right it. What was I saying?)

    Oh, yes, the “that’s my flesh burning” made me shriek with laughter (it must be right, my spell checker isn’t yelling at me) and I had to re-read the post several times to see if I missed something. Thank you for that.

    And, while I support your clothing making choices, I can’t get behind that fabric now that I’ve made the connection to the Wizard of Oz…. That part of the movie scared the crap out of me as a kid…

  11. Also (because my stupid comment wasn’t rambling enough) I meant “…every time I write it” not “right”… I’m embarrassed for me. And still rambling. sheesh.

  12. So, is this an Alice’s Restaurant moment? “”What’re you in for, kid?” “Littering”. And they all moved away from me on the Group W bench. ”

    You devil. I knew you had it in you.

  13. Meredith is HILARIOUS. You have some cute and delightfulyl quirky kids, lady! :)

    Also? JEALOUS that school is starting for you this week and simultaneously feeling JIPPED on behalf of your kids. It’s too EARLY! What about SUMMER! Please tell me they get off in early June…

  14. LOVE IT.

    I was once almost run in for posing in a swimsuit atop the Sundrop machine outside the Union WalMart.

    I know some glorious soccer moms (of which I am one). My advice to you:
    Buy a cowbell
    Bring cool snacks

  15. That FP fan is onto something with bacon flavored lip balm. MY GOD, IT’S GOT TO BE INVENTED ALREADY.

    Ok, onto the cuteness of Meredith. Where oh where to begin? She is amazingly CUTE. And SMART. And has the wit of her mother.

    Can’t wait to see the skirt you’ll make of that fabric. It’ll be cool I’m sure. Take a picture of you wearing it at a soccer game with a cowbell in hand. That would make your Cool Points go over the edge.

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