With scarves of red tied ’round their throats…

Yesterday afternoon I was sort of feeling a headache coming on, so I decided to take a Tylenol before dropping Harper off at school. I reached into the cabinet, and because I tend to not think straight when I’m dealing with medication, I quickly took a Tylenol PM. Immediately after swallowing it, I thought, “Whoops.” Mainly, my Whoops had to do with the fact that my afternoon plan was to drop Harper off, finish up with some last minute Christmas shopping, and then go back to school for Meredith’s holiday party. One Tylenol PM will knock me out for about six hours straight. So, yeah. Whoops.

After dropping Harper off, I drove straight to a coffee dump where I ordered a super silly larger than life iced tea. I then finished my shopping with 45 minutes to spare before the party. Since I’m one of those people who sort of lives for scoring nice parking spots, I decided to go ahead and go to school, score a spot, and sit in the car and knit until the party started.

I’m doing it again. I’m boring you with the details. Please stay with me, because I’m going to be crying at the end of the next paragraph, and that’s always a crowd pleaser.

Anyway, I pulled into my (super great) parking spot at 2:03 (thirty minutes before the parties were to begin), and noticed that a bunch of parents were already hustling toward the school. Since I’m a sheep, I quickly grabbed my party supplies (marshmallows and pretzels!), and followed the crowd. When I entered the elementary school, I found that all of the students had gathered in the gym and were singing holiday songs. I entered the gym, I stood in the very back and leaned against the wall, and I quickly spotted Harper and Meredith, who were both nodding their heads as the fifth grade students sang a song about Santa Lucia. When that song ended, the music for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer started up, and all of the little kids in the gym squealed and started clapping. Before I knew it, all 600 or so students were swaying back and forth and singing Rudolph, and all of those sweet little voices (and some not so sweet) really affected me, and suddenly my lip was quivering and my eyes were watering. (I cry very easily in these situations. VERY easily.) Since Meredith’s teacher was nearby, I decided that I absolutely had to regain composure somehow, so I put my hands in my coat pockets and tried to figure out how to tap out 3/4 time as the kids sang in 4/4. So, yeah. There I stood in the back of the gym beating my hands against my legs with tears rolling out of my eyes and my lips in total palsy mode. I want to volunteer at the school next year. I doubt they’ll take me.

After the holiday party, I met a friend for coffee. Before we knew it, we were planning a writers’ retreat, and I was wearing the earrings I fell in love with several weeks ago at the Rock and Roll Craft Show. I returned home feeling completely inspired, and when I went to bed, Stephen Colbert once again entered my dream world and rescued me from a bad date I was having with a high school classmate. (This is Mr. Colbert’s third dream appearance. We ended up making out in the first two dreams. Last night he simply walked me to his car and drove me to a safe haven.)

As I rode across town in Stephen Colbert’s car, the thugs returned to our house in the real world and stabbed John Green again. Several times.

Multiple stab wounds

To add insult to injury, they also threw a pie against our garage.

Evidence of pie

(I believe it was pecan.)

A police report has been filed, the late night patrol shift will be adding a few extra turns around our subdivision, and my daughters (and I) are pissed. (Funny side story: When I called the police and told them that our eight foot penguin had been stabbed, the woman answering the phone asked if it was a real penguin. I suppose she was assessing my sanity. Nevertheless, it made me smile. I’ve never seen a real eight foot penguin, nor have I seen a real penguin with eight feet.)

John Green was one of our favorite traditions. And now we have to either toss him in the trash, or duct tape him up and reinflate him in the back yard.

(Although I have no official suspects, I’m casting a big stink eye toward the teenager who lives a few doors down. He once threw a bottle of water at me as I was taking a walk around the neighborhood, and I’ve never really forgiven him. The bottle of water was not intended to refresh me.)

John Green, this one’s for you:

Don’t forget: I have two giveaways going on right now.
One has something to do with Kisses and a $100 Visa gift card.
The other? A fancy pants Viliv S5. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

24 thoughts on “With scarves of red tied ’round their throats…”

  1. John Green looks exceptionally stalwart for a guy with visible stab wounds to the chest and belly.

    I’m right there with you in the tearing up during choral assemblies and pageants & stuff, FP. I think it has something to do with a defective tear duct gene. Or maybe just a soft heart :-)

    And, dang — that pie looks chock full of homemade goodness. What a waste!

  2. Looks like I’m gonna need those extra stanzas of “Fluid Pudding’s Penguin lies deflating in the snow”, now aren’t I? In case you American people don’t know the tune, it’s a little ditty you may be familiar with, called ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic”. Poor John Green. Just one question, though – how does an 8’ penguin get to be called John Greene, hmmm?

  3. My daughter’s teachers never seem to have heard of Lucia having her own holiday and songs. Maybe news travels slow out to the west. ;)

    I think the penguin could be salvaged with a nice duct tape holiday sweater, but how horrible that someone is spending so much energy to destroy him. Sick bastards too when you figure in a pecan pie.

  4. Er, ahem, for the record, I WAS NOT THE ONE WHO STABBED JOHN GREEN. Should I ever take it upon myself to perpetrate violence against an inflatable lawn ornament, I will do so with a BB gun.

  5. Poor John Green. I second the idea for a duct tape sweater! It would look very festive with his scarf.

    Also. I am amazed at your fortitude. And the power of iced tea.

  6. Fleet Foxes are mui bueno.

    As for the penguin, that’s genuinely horrible. You can’t even use the old fashioned ‘HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I STABBED YOU?!’ on the kids, because that would end in your incarceration. The real tragedy here, of course, is the pie. What kind of soulless ass wipe abuses a sweet and innocent pie?

  7. Oh, poor John Green! He’s a trouper, isn’t he? I hope the perp is located and brought down festively.

    Merry Christmas to all!

  8. Maiken, I know Santa Lucia as a song celebrating the winter festival of lights and Saint Lucy and was sung by Swedish Lutheran children.

    I was going to mention that duct tape now comes in all different colors, even clear, so you could patch up Mr. Green and not be the redneck on the block, but, I like David’s suggestion better!

    Happy Christmas Eve, and good luck getting presents wrapped and desserts baked, and gifts embroidered, then wrapped! Wait, I’m projecting….

  9. I think you should make a big sign for John Green to hold that says “Fuck You, Penguin Stabbers.”
    Of course, the punctuation is entirely up to you.

  10. They threw a PIE at your GARAGE?! This is turning into the worst and creepiest slapstick routine EVER.

    Oh and P.S. you with the good parking spots? Further evidence we may have been separated at birth. I leave the house a full 30 minutes before the kids get out of school even though the school is 2 miles away and my kids always come out late JUST so I can get the same excellent parking spot every single day. I want to carpool with YOU, Pudding!

  11. Throwing water?! And stabbing a lawn decoration?! And throwing a pie!?!? What is wrong with people?

    I hope you have a good Christmas in spite of those assfaces.

  12. How nice if your biggest problems are an inflatable seasonal character getting stabbed by a ‘thug’? It’s sweet that beautiful voices make your eyes leak. Happy X-mas! :)

  13. Why would the kid down the street throw water at you? I would have told his mom right then there cause I’m a nerd! Poor John Greene, poor pie!

  14. I totally second the idea to use colored duct tape to make John Greene a new vest/sweater-type item. And perhaps his upraised arm could be somehow altered to indicate his defiance in the face of evil.

  15. Oh, FP…

    Yes, I cry when Lassie clears the fence.
    We were asked to provide our families “special song” with commentary. I gave ours and a nice little background piece. What I didn’t expect is that it would be read aloud at the assembly and the song would be played. Yikes. What totally made it though was that the lady next to me cried too.

    I have perfected a scathing teenager glare. come over – I’ll mentor you.

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