Before I tell you this story, please know: Fluid Pudding has absolutely nothing to do with bodily functions. In fact, I like to pretend that my body does NOT function, if you know what I’m saying. Over the summer when I was diagnosed with a condition that has the word Bowel in the name? Um, yeah. I don’t want to talk about it.
Yesterday I cleaned the girls’ room for the first time ever. It took over eight hours, and the final result is this: Three tons of toys have been donated to charity, another ton of (mostly broken) toys have been thrown away. Now? Every Toy has a place. That’s a huge deal for us.
As I cleaned and tossed (and grew more irritable than I care to admit), I came across a little plastic gem-like thing. As I threw it in the trash, Harper screamed.
“THAT’S MY DIAMOND! YOU CAN’T THROW AWAY MY DIAMOND!”
So, I pulled the gem out of the trash, handed it to her, and said, “I better not ever see that diamond on the floor again.”
Two hours passed, and I took a break from cleaning to fix dinner.
Harper entered the kitchen.
Harper: I think I swallowed my diamond.
Me: What do you mean you THINK you swallowed your diamond? DID you swallow your diamond?
(Both of my kids say Naybe instead of Maybe. I’ll never correct them. Also, Meredith says Renember instead of Remember. I love that.)
I called the doctor, told her that Harper swallowed a plastic object roughly the size of a nickel, and learned that an 18-month-old baby can swallow a quarter and pass it with minimal difficulty. (Interesting!) She told me the signs to watch for (difficulty breathing, unbearable pain, blood in the stool, etc.) and then said, “If Harper wore diapers, I would suggest you check her output for the gem. Since she’s not in diapers, I’ll just tell you to do whatever gives you peace of mind.”
This afternoon after lunch, the following cry echoed throughout the house:
“I THINK I JUST POOPED A DIAMOND!”
I ran to the bathroom and looked. I didn’t see a diamond.
Harper: I think it’s in there. Look! That one is shaped like a diamond!
Jeff: What are we supposed to do?
Me: I don’t see a diamond. I’m not sure how to proceed! Should we examine it more closely? I DON’T KNOW!
Meredith: You’re going to touch poop with your hands?!?!
Jeff slowly walked outside, retrieved a stick, and poked each of Harper’s creations to check for diamonds. No luck.
Jeff: I’m really glad I took vacation time this week.
Me: When your team asks what you did, be sure to include Poking Poop with a Stick.
39 thoughts on “We’ve been searching for diamonds.”
I’ve had children who have swallowed things.
My motto is “Trust in the biological process.” LOL
(My baby says Bemember instead of Remember and I cannot bear to correct her.)
I believe that at the airport when there’s suspected contraband in the um, body cavity, they employ a sieve to collect the er, deposit and then run it under a tap to ah, clear the view.
You might not want to use it again afterwards for baking, mind.
I still need to buy a new pair of kitchen tongs. Our old pair bravely rescued Transformer Ratchet from the bottom (ahem) of the toilet one evening (he got a bleach bath).
Otto says “helihopter” instead of helicopter. I now say it the same way. Someday he’ll get it right and I’ll be very sad.
My baby says “A-wumbah” for remember. I like ours too.
I think poking poop with a stick is part of the parenting contract (fine print, obviously, who would sign up for that) but if you get a diamond in the end (pun UNintended), then, depending on the market, you are doing way better than the mom whose 18 month ate a quarter. What I am saying is that, you win. Good for you!
When I was in middle school I swallowed a quarter (I know I was a little old for that kind of thing) and had to check my poo every day to make sure it passed. I feel your pain.
Also, I loved it when my oldest said “bee-lah” for belly so much that I’ve taught the baby to say it too. :-)
Sometimes I’m kind of relieved that this isn’t a video blog. Although, a side shot of you and Jeff leaning over a toilet, poking at something, and muttering, ‘Is that a diamond?’ would be seriously entertaining. You could provide it to priests and pastors to show to newly engaged couples with an accompanying caption that reads ‘Sometimes you may need to look for diamonds in the poop’.
Now, see, all these years I’ve been writing “adorable” tales about my boys but not ONCE have I been able to say they shit diamonds.
Oldest uses the word regardless incorrectly. I’m thinking it’s time to correct him.
Did you know that when you swallow a screw the shininess will have come off once it is pooped out?
Yeah, I didn’t need to know that either, but I got to see it in person anyway.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read all year…
I keep thinking of that Eddie Murphy skit “Doo-doo..gonna put it on you”. Kudos to Jeff, my hubby would have run away screaming!
This whole post makes me unreasonably happy.
Thanks for the laugh today.
I’ve seen my fair share of stuff swallowed by children AND adults.
I love the feel of accomplishment after doing some heavy duty cleaning/organizing.
I’m a grandmother and a little distanced from the day to day, but I have to ask–why in the hell did she swallow her diamond to begin with?
p.s. mangled words are diamonds in the family lexicon forever!
Oh, tears coming down my cheeks. (But not the lower cheeks. Get your mind out of the toilet.)
Emile used to say “Cah-sheeen” instead of machine, referring to the quarter “cachines” at the supermarket. Adam and I both looked at each other sadly the first time he corrected himself. :(
Currently, he is saying “Ben” instead of “Then”.
“The giant cat bionicle attacked the monster robot. BEN, the robot fought back. And BEN! The giant cat bionicle transformed into a MEGA cat bioncle and restroyed the monster robot.”
oh, and he says “restroyed”. too. cute. for. words.
You have been “Stumbleuponed!”, and “thumbupped”. You have made me laugh. I can’t wait for my kid to grow up a bit and see what miracles his brain can produce (he’s just 2 months old ;-)).
My coworkers are wondering what’s wrong with me. I’m trying to pass the spasms of laughter off as a coughing fit.
I’m not a parent so I haven’t ever had to do this but thank you for sharing the story none-the-less!!!
OMG! I am currently certain I do not want to upgrade from dog parenting to actual parenting… Ew.
I was informed that if you have been drinking and had to blow into a Breathalizer, you could suck on a penny and it would throw off the Breathalizer.
So anyway, this past summer I swallowed a penny. I’m now 35.
(I didn’t get pulled over, but saw a cop and panicked. (I had only had a couple of beers.) (Seriously.))
I do not promote drinking and driving, nor do I encourage anyone to try to ‘trick’ the decent and honorable police force.
Also – don’t put change in your mouth.
I am sort of stupid.
Does Meredith not realize that by the time a child is potty-trained, mom has touched poop with her hands SO MANY TIMES?
When I was a kid, I barfed up my retainer and my mom REACHED INTO THE BARF to retrieve it, saying “I’m not letting you flush $90 down the toilet!” I thought she was a superstar. Now, probably as punishment, I have a son with a sensitive gag reflex, and am well-accustomed to barf.
We went through a similar endeavor with a swallowed first baby tooth. There was much concern that the Tooth Fairy would not come if the tooth was not “recovered.” The tooth was never found, despite vigorous and revolting efforts – and the Tooth Fairy did not come (but that was because the parents fell asleep.)
That is so dang funny.
Ahhh parenthood. It humbles us all.
My daughter swallowed a nickel once (the thing about not keeping money in your mouth — sound advice). For all I know it is still inside her. Jeff is a god.
I don’t suppose you have any lookalike diamonds lying around that could be swiftly substituted for The Diamond at an opportune time? Like maybe the, uh, Diamond Fairy brought it?
For some inconceivable reason I sent the link for this post to our son and daughter-in-law who are currently TTC. What are the chances that my hope of becoming a grandmother just went down the tubes (so to speak)?
In other news, we had an adorable little three year old staying with us over the weekend. One of her favorite things in the house was the, completely child-proof, wooden creche I have on display. Her favorite thing in the creche? Baby Cheeze Its!
Funniest post ever. I think I want “I THINK I JUST POOPED A DIAMOND!” on a T-shirt. Also, my nephew says “Moncaster” instead of “Cookie Monster”. Adorable!
i’m glad there was no photo involved in this post… i believe my mother has a similar story, but without the diamond. happy new year, pudding family.
I was required to manufacture a custom tool that allows one to retrieve a Nintendo DS game cartridge from the toilet if a 7-year likes to play the DS while pooping and happens to drop one in. So, yeah. I’m feeling your pain on this one. Hope the diamond passes soon (and painlessly).
Oh, those diamonds. In our house we like to stick them to all the walls with Blu Tak. But, you know, eat them if you want.
That is the funniest thing I’ve read all year!
I was changing Matt’s diaper when he was about 1 1/2 years old, and I noticed something in his poop. Upon closer observation I noticed a stamp! Somehow he had eaten, digested, and pushed out a stamp all in one piece!
Emily used to say “ham-buh-burger” and “bam-baid” when she was little. I was sad when she started pronouncing them correctly.
Hahahahaha–I actually laughed out loud when I read this–that doesn’t happen much! Good idea to poke it with a stick though–I don’t know why that wouldn’t have been my first idea–as I still change lots of diapers (happily only from two of my children–yes we have our third–a boy and a cutiepie at that–only 3 weeks old and fitting in quite well! I think he sleeps best) and since they are cloth diapers, I have to rinse the poop out BY HAND, so I would have grimaced and gone in…a stick would work SO MUCH BETTER! NAdine just learned how to say please “eese” so cute but it works!
Rofl funny. Thank you for providing my first big laugh of 2010 :)
Oh LOL!! Eeuuuww, glad it wasn’t me
My three year old daughter was sitting on my lap during a dinner party. She put my diamond pendant in her mouth and all of a sudden she said “Uh-oh”. We never did find it though.
Lol. My son said Memote instead of Remote as a child, and I never stopped him. As a matter of fact I probably encouraged him, using Memote as thought it’s the way that was meant to be pronounced. To this day I still find myself saying it… and I remember his little 3yr old face. :-)
Hope your daughter (ahem) passed a diamond.
Three great alternate responses to I POOPED A DIAMOND.
1. That’s a not a diamond, that’s your mother in law’s heart.
2. Don’t let it scratch the porcelain.
3. Finally we can pay for your college education.
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