Before I even started typing this post, I hesitated.
Because it’s about my maladies. (Look away, Reader Eddie. These are the posts that burn you to bits!)
Admittedly, my maladies are lame. AND, the only reason I’m even USING the word malady is because I like to pronounce it mah-LAY-dee, as in “Would you fancy a cup of tea, mah-LAY-dee?”
This morning I loaded up the girls and took them to see my doctor. I’ve been waking up with one hell of a backache for the past three weeks, and it doesn’t really matter how much I bend and flex and worm around on the floor—it’s not getting better. I would continue to ride this storm out, but we’re leaving in a few days and I really don’t feel like going all Fred Sanford with a cane in Wyoming. Also, I’ve got a spot on my hip. <—Did you notice that? Totally secondary to the back thing.
My doctor laid me down (Billy Joe’s “Piano Man” was playing in the background. My doctor had me feeling alright.), checked out a few things, asked a few questions, and decided that a week-long course of anti-inflammatory drugs paired up with a few muscle relaxants and some exercises will have me Couch to 5K-ing in no time. (As if.)
Me: Oh! I also want to show you this thing on my hip.
Doctor: What’s going on?
Me (all red-faced and trying to pull my too-tight skirt over my cushioned hip): I’ve got this spot thing that showed up a few weeks ago, and now it looks like it’s growing and, well, I can’t wear pants that touch it because yee-ow!
Doctor (examining the map of South America that is slowly forming on my right side): Ooh. Is it draining at all?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it. Um, no. It’s not draining. But it feels like an eruption could take place near Paraguay.
Doctor (poking me): I think you’ve got a touch of cellulitis.
So, anyway. It looks like I’ve got a touch of cellulitis. And now I want to show it to you, because I’ve got a blog. (Please know that according to Wikipedia, Cellulitis is unrelated (except etymologically) to Cellulite. Except etymologically. I love that.)
And let’s just get something straight. It appears that I am showing you my butt in this photo. By now, we all know that I would never do such a thing. Please be aware that the spot is actually above my hip bone. I have no idea what sort of contorted move I did to make it look like I was dropping low on the skirt. Anyway. This photo? Totally rated PG. And another thing: Since when do I have an Adam’s apple?!
I should end on a positive note. In the above photo, I like my pointed shoulder. I also don’t mind the crazy veins that sit on my fourth knuckle. Best of all? I’m wearing a Nashville Flood Tee.
Okay, then. Back to your day.