And they all lived together in a crooked little house.

Last week I found myself at the Center for New Health Options for a bit of Physical Therapy, if you know what I’m saying. (I’m saying that my back has been bothering me for nearly three months, and our insurance covers physical therapy. They do NOT cover a new mattress. They DO cover 80% of an IUD installation, and I’ll be doing that on September 15th! Hello there!) After the paperwork was filled out and the proper introductions were made, Catherine, my therapist, took me back into an exam room to work up a general evaluation.

Catherine: Just stand against the wall, and I’m going to take some notes about your posture. Do you want me to tell you what I find as I go?

Me (Feeling curiously naked, yet fully clothed. In sweats!): Sure! Let’s hear it!

Catherine: Your left hip is slightly higher than your right hip, and as a result, your left leg looks slightly shorter than the right leg. Your arms hang in front of your body instead of to the sides. That’s because you are slightly hunched over. Your left shoulder is a bit higher than your right, and your head and neck are sitting about a half inch to an inch off-center toward the right shoulder.

Me: CrookedGirlSaysWhat?!

Catherine: Yep. Let me take you to a mirror so you can see what I’m talking about.

We walked to a room down the hall where Catherine stood me in front of a huge mirror and once again pointed out my slants, slopes, tilts, and warps. Before the appointment, I had never noticed just how crooked I am. But now it’s all I can see.

This is me on the outside, and if you look closely, you can see how my neck and head are choosing to side with my right shoulder. (It’s a mirror image, so right is right.) Also, please know that my skin is the same color as the wood on the bathroom door, and my dress matches the walls! You come and go, karma chameleon!:

Old Crooked Neck

This is me on the inside, sitting on a chair in our dining room and thinking about peach pie. Tis the season, you know!:


(I used to think of myself as being a bit Rubenesque. Now? I’m a total Picasso.)

After I came to grips with being all asymmetrical in awkward places, Catherine put me on a table where we engaged in myofascial release, which is quite an amazing thing. (Picture yourself lying down with someone’s hands in your mouth. Suddenly, you begin to feel the sensation of butter melting in your head. Your neck is no longer aching. We are in Xanadu.)

I’ve been approved for five more visits, one of which will involve the stretching out of my C-section and appendectomy scars. (I’ve been told to wear shorts. At this point in time, I don’t own a pair of shorts. Things are about to get Very Interesting.)
I want to give you $150! Come over here, read about my disaster cake decorating experience, tell me a funny story, and you could win $150! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

18 thoughts on “And they all lived together in a crooked little house.”

  1. This has been a TRULY enlightening entry. Why did I always assume Physical Therapy was something Football Players and Marathon Runners do? So…Physical Therapy is just that…PHYSICAL THERAPY? Weird. Why is this so shocking?

    I’m kinda fascinated now and want to stand against the wall and my my insurance pay someone to tell me in what ways I’m crooked too. I have mild back issues, but my shoulder? CRAZY PAINFUL at times. Maybe I’m crooked too?

  2. BTW – “my my insurance” is supposed to say “make my insurance” – evidently my shoulder pains block certain language synapses in my brain.

  3. Oh, I hear you, sister. I have one leg longer than the other. Was this an issue 20 years ago? No, it was not.

    More fun about getting older, eh? When does it stop?

  4. I’m pretty sure I’m crooked too. And my insurance won’t pay for a new mattress either. I really do need to see a PT for my back though plus my neck, shoulder, and the rest of me. Hubby says if I was a horse, they would’ve put me down by now.

  5. I also have one hip higher than the other! It caused bursitis when I tried to run! I know walk around with a super awesome heel lift!

    I think we’re all a little crooked. :)

  6. My right hip is higher than my left. And if you plant your hands on my butt one cheek fits nicely to the curve of a hand while the other is flatter/has a dimple/more square–something. Whatever, I think more kindly towards the rounder cheek, even though its shape means it’s probably fatter.

    And my ears aren’t even. Which means that sunglasses are always a little askew and the top line doesn’t line up with my eyebrows. I always buy a pair that makes this as less-obvious as possible. The opticians always put new glasses on me and go “Hmmm.” Then then take them and put them in the hot stuff and tweak them and then put them back on me. I suppose I could ask them to do that with the crappy cheap sunglasses, but that seems like calling attention to the problem. I’ll just tilt my head, instead.

  7. This may sound very weird but I have (I’m pretty sure) the exACT same issues with my back with the added bonus of a slight bit of scoliosis and I broke my back when I was nine – just call me Quasimodo.

  8. My ears are uneven too, Marianne! I hope they teach you some good back exercises! They really do help. Maybe you are not really crooked – maybe there are just different gravitational pulls all around you. hhhmmmm

  9. LLBean is good for shorts, especially for the Rubenesque. Not so sure about the Picassos amongst us, but every woman I know has one hip/leg/ear longer/shorter/fatter/higher/thinner than the other. That’s how we manage the ups and downs of life. Tattoo story? Yes please.

  10. Hello fellow crooked lady. I have a bad back, too! And my insurance doesn’t cover the cute chiropractor who helps to make it a good back so I’ll have to check out the physical therapy coverage. Thanks for the idea. LOVE the photos. We should all consider ourselves Picassos. Embrace imperfection, right?

    Does stretching out C-section scars do anything for the bulge of skin that hangs over them?

  11. OMG! So I bought some great khaki shorts at the very beginning of the season at Target. They’re knee length and fitted enough through the waist to not gap but loose enough through the thighs and I love them.

    Sunday I was making a blueberry/blackberry/black raspberry cobbler and splashed juice on them. I was sooo sad and my boyfriend said, “Relax, you can just buy new shorts.” How in the world do I explain to him the angst of ruining your favorite khaki shorts in August? How?

  12. Never had it professionally assessed, but the Wii Fit tells me that I lean slightly to the right. (and I shall never get that blasted bubble down the river!)
    Me. You. and Pisa too!

  13. Oh, Amy, I’m so sorry about your shorts. I hope that you just took a deep breath and just moved slowly away from the boyfriend.

    Poor thing, he probably has a dozen pair of shorts and likes them all just fine the same. You found the platonic ideal of khaki shorts, and you will never find them again, let alone in August when the stores have stocked up with woolens.

    Soak them in hopes the stain will magically come out. Then dye them.

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