I’m about to make you wince.

I did my 28 minute run this morning, and it went really well until the very last minute.

When my little man told me that I had two minutes to go, I looked down and saw that I had barely passed the four kilometer mark. (The circumference of the lake is 5.7 kilometers.) In an attempt to get as close as possible to reaching five kilometers, I decided to break loose and run like an animal until it was time for my five minute cool-down. The conditions were perfect. All Alright had just started playing (I think the whole “I’ve got nothing left inside of my chest” line is hauntingly appropriate when I’m running!), I was at my favorite part of the lake (trees on both sides of me!), the temperatures were cool (I was wearing my new long-sleeved running shirt!), and I couldn’t see any other humans (no need to make awkward eye contact and/or offer up a goofy smile!). Run. RUN! Around a minute into my sprint, I started coughing. And then something absolutely dreadful happened and I kept running, but not quite as quickly, and then I began walking Very Calculatedly and I made some sort of joke in my app journal about land sharks attacking me on the way back to my car which seems really funny until it’s not so funny anymore.

Actual text sent to Jeff: I may have just peed myself, but I also may have forcefully expelled my entire uterine lining. If I peed myself, my running career is officially over. If I *didn’t* pee myself, well, I don’t want to talk about it.

I reached the car, started it, and was warmly greeted by the Check Engine light. (My life is sort of fun like that. And by fun, I mean fun.)

Anyway. I made it home, which is highly preferred over NOT making it home.

I took my first migraine pill of the week exactly four hours ago. Here’s hoping it’s also the last. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

15 thoughts on “I’m about to make you wince.”

  1. ok, time for a treadmill. at least the furthest you will be from help is a phonecall away. and you can safely expell whatever bodily fluid on the floor of your house, away from bears.

  2. Well, yes you *did* make me wince!

    (Rapidly changing the subject)

    But hey, hey — how about that Jeff guy going vegetarian with you? I will be paying acute attention to your pre-holiday food-related posts since it seems we might be hosting our now vegan son and his (for lack of better terminology, and why our culture has not yet developed a better selection of words for these situations is beyond me) sort of family (committed girlfriend whom we love and apparently he does too, her daughter, whom we also adore and what the heck should we call her — a sort of unofficial step-grand daughter? and perhaps the “real” grandmother who, to the best of my knowledge consumes primarily candy bars and Dr. Pepper) I may have gone off track with the parentheticals back there, but you get the gist. Tofu turkey anyone?

    (Now back to your regularly scheduled Fluid ((about which, oh ewwww (((!!!))) in light of the subject matter above)) Pudding programming)

  3. We’ve ALL been there, if we’re women. 4th of July Parade; that’s all I’m going to say.

  4. Sadly, I know exactly the horror you speak of. Just glad for you that no other people were out and about to witness the unfortunate cough .
    and glad your car made it hope alive.

  5. I have been in exactly that situation. Or should I say both of those situations?

    Have you seen the commercial for Poise Pads with Kirstie Alley telling a woman to just put one on and get back on the treadmill?


  6. Oh yeah. That’s never good. I mean, it’s pretty much a worst case scenario no matter how it goes down. Or comes out. Or…whatever.

    I will say that I hold the family honor/horror of worst running “incident”. I’m not posting it here, but it involved the bushes in front of a fancypants house on Lakeshore Drive in Grosse Pointe, MI.

  7. I am so glad that I went into molecular biology instead of animal behavioral studies and that I wasn’t the lab tech that had to collect the tampons for that research.

    At least you just peed yourself.

  8. From Jr high until I discovered the joys of alcohol (approximately 8 years) I ran at least 5 miles a day, won races, blah blah. In my 8 years of running, I never soiled myself, but had the “honor” of running behind someone who experienced diarrhea and kept running… Then I discovered that I could simply chain smoke while eating chocolate, then walking up the stairs had the same effect as running 5 miles, only quicker and with less sweat.

  9. On a plane, wedged in between two large gentlemen, three hour flight, no where to run to; no where to hide. Baggage claim humiliation. Looking forward to menopause. I feel your pain.

  10. Light blue slacks, on a long-distance bus ride while seated between two of the meanest teenage boys in the world.

  11. Yipes! Yes, you did make me wince. For the record…stay off the trampoline, too…don’t ask me how I know.

  12. If you feel like you are going to sneeze really hard or cough really hard. Bend over slightly. It helps.

  13. Yeah, me too. I was walking down the steps at work and sneezed, violently and suddenly. I almost kept walking to my car.

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