Yeast, Punching, Pitching, and My Bloody Valentine

1. This afternoon my mom came up and we had veggie sushi. Afterwards, we went to a health food store and I’m pleased to report that I am now the proud owner of nutritional yeast and vegan bacon bits and vegan bouillon cubes and Himalayan pink salt and vegan chicken and vegan beef and vegan egg substitute and I feel like you’re getting bored. I’ve been getting closer and closer to full on veganism, and now that I have this cookbook, it all boiled down to Finding the Products. I have found them.

2. If something weird happened and all of a sudden you were required to punch one person with absolutely zero consequences, do you know who you would punch? Sure, it would be easy to simply nod and choose Dr. Oz, but think about it. You get to punch ANYONE. You HAVE to punch someone. And maybe we’ll set it up in a way that the punchee has no idea WHO the puncher is. Do you know who you would choose? (I know who I would choose. I’m telling no one. If Punching Day ever happens, I’m ready.) ((My mom wants to punch Carrie Underwood, and although that sort of came out of left field, it made me very happy that my mom has chosen a Punchee.)) (((Please know that I do NOT endorse punching if it’s not part of a federally mandated Punching Day. Peace! Love!! Understanding!!!)))

3. After Harper misplaced both tennis shoes and her homework over the weekend and then offered a REWARD for them instead of actually LOOKING for them, my feathers got a little ruffled. When I went into the girls’ room to help look for the missing items and I found dirty clothes on the floor along with notes from school that carried dates from November, I lost my mind. Yesterday morning I dropped the girls off at school. I then returned home, entered their room armed with a box of trash bags, and threw away every single thing that was out of place. I had been threatening to do this for several weeks, but I always lost my nerve. Yesterday was The Day. The only items I held back from the trash were things like a digital camera, an iPod Nano, a DSi, and any books. (I can’t throw books away.) Those items were placed into a basket, and the girls can buy them back from me as they earn money by doing chores. (The Buy Back Bin was not my idea. A dear friend of mine mentioned it several months back, and I knew I had to work it in.)

4. When I was 21 years old, My Bloody Valentine released an album titled Loveless. I was finishing up the first semester of my first senior year and I spent my spare time writing bad poetry and taking midnight drives to Jefferson City for doughnuts and drinking instant coffee and burning incense and dipping fries in ice cream and Loveless was always in the background. When I think of Loveless, the leaves are brown and I’m in my Volkswagen Fox and I’m driving with the windows down and the heater on because I love fresh air and heat and I wore flannel and clunky shoes and I thought I liked to sip whiskey, but now I know I was just pretending.

Last week, My Bloody Valentine released their follow-up to Loveless. I’m now 42 years old. I’m now married with two kids, I’ve done the office job thing, I’ve moved several times, and I’m too tired for midnight doughnuts. Ah, but the leaves are still brown and my shoes are still a little clunky and I still try to write (not poetry, just this and that) and this morning I drove around with the windows cracked and the heat on and My Bloody Valentine is once again in my head and yes.

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29 thoughts on “Yeast, Punching, Pitching, and My Bloody Valentine”

  1. We had a liver doctor that I referred to as Dr. Douche Bag. Him…I’d punch him.

    My mom did the whole clean out of my room like that once. That was all it took. I have kept the cleanest spaces ever since.

  2. Good for you! (#3) I have been threatening to give all of my kids toys away if they keep complaining about how there’s nothing to do every time I kick them off the computer/Wii. I need to just do it. There are plenty of other kids who appreciate those toys and actually PLAY with them.

  3. A) Nutritional yeast is THE BOMB. B)When I was a kid my Mom always threatened me about cleaning my room, but she never followed through, and now I’m an adult who has trouble keeping my room (and my entire house) clean. So, BRAVO.

  4. My trainer recommended pink Himalayan salt in the fall, and I’ve been hooked on it ever since. I’m not a big salt person, and a little of this stuff goes a long way.

    I have a list of people I would like to punch. Let’s do it!

  5. 1) What store did you go to?
    2) After watching SNL with Justin Bieber, I’d consider punching him. No, I’m not a Belieber.
    3) Never listened to them – will give them a whirl!

  6. Nutritional yeast is THE BEST. My theory is that vegans conspire to keep it known by that hideous, offputting name so there’ll be plenty left for us.

  7. Taylor, my daughter who is now 19, had a first grade teacher who taught them to use a piece of paper from the bottom right to the upper left, cutting off what they used for whatever purpose it was used for ….so say she had spelling, she would write her words on the bottom right of the paper, cut them out and have 3/4 of the paper left. Her teacher thought she was teaching them to be frugal. Taylor learned to throw NOTHING away, not even the leftover scraps of paper. Her room got frequent room dumps over the years and she never missed anything…..she would thank me that she could breathe and think. Joshua, 11 cannot handle clutter of any type and is the only 11 year old boy I know whose room is clean and organized at all times. They may not say it, but I bet they appreciate the effort. Of course, now Josh has nothing to buy back, wonder how I could work that in? PS No…No they did not get OCD tendencies at all from me….

  8. Best Guess: You would punch the grumpy seat-coveting health food woman. Or your previous (mean, so very mean) vacation-taking/talking doctor.

    I can’t actually think of a potential punchee off the top of my head. Hmm…maybe the woman who commented (over 35 years ago!) that my 4-year-old son was too big to need me to carry him…after he had just fallen off the playground monkey bars and *BROKEN HIS ARM*! Oh yeah, I’m in on this after all. Shut UP, mean lady!!!!!!

    Nutritional Yeast: Just had my first last night — yummo!!! Vegan son and family (who, as an aside, normally live at Big Bear where the whole rogue cop man-hunt/hole-up/shoot-out thing is going down as we speak!) are here with us on Maui & we’ve been going with the flow. Vegan nachos last night were off the charts delicious. Carnivore husband has willingly eaten (among other things) ferns and kale. Change is in the wind. Eagerly awaiting your review of Betty Goes Vegan — am on the cusp of ordering two copies.

  9. I bow down to you for following through on the threat to purge the girls’ room. My daughter is kindly described around here as an “artist of found objects” (also known as a hoarder on my bad days) and I have been threatening such a purge without having the spine to follow it through. You have inspired me!

  10. I did #3 with my two daughters, including the buy-back program. I worked with one daughter but not the other, who just didn’t care enough about most of her stuff to retrieve it. I hope the American Girl dolls survived the purge!!! (Oh yes, I have a punchee in mind – I don’t think I could ever do it, though. I’d have to hire a hit-puncher.)

  11. My punchee experience involves a trifecta of people – a child older than my own who perpetuated a great wrong on one of my kids; the summer program teacher who allowed it to happen by paying no attention to the goings on in her own group; the mother of the kid, who refused to believe her angel could be so cruel.

    Is it possible to get a three-for-one?

    PS – We switched summer programs shortly after, and all is mostly well now. (Maybe that’s the point? Still the punching would be cathartic, as I will hold the experience in my heart forever.)

  12. In spite of how frustrated I’m sure you were, I find the reward offered in lieu of searching extremely clever and charming. Of course, I was always the kid who lost everything and made my parents crazy with it, so I’m also jealous that I never thought of it.

  13. Man girl, you are on FIRE!
    The comments here are funny too. Lines of Dr Oz haters? And Mitzi, I too am never too tired for a donut. Or ice cream.
    What’s this about dipping french fries in icecream? Why haven’t I heard of that before, and yes please and oh wait it’s a fast day. Dang it.

  14. I’m laughing at myself, because although I consider myself a very positive, non-violent person, I have a surprisingly extensive list of potential punchees (and one who deserves a kick in the crotch). I think the good news is that none of these are people with whom I am acquainted in real life. (Well, actually there is one woman who I kind of want to punch, but really, she is not that deserving….she just hurt my feelings.) I don’t think I want to punch people in the face, but I think a good, solid, knock-the-wind out punch in the gut really might get these folks attention!!! In particular, as I think through my list, I feel that their punch-worthiness usually centers around their complete disconnection from the impact of their words on real people. Accordingly, if someone were to physically disrupt their bubbles of sanctimony, it really might just do something. Angela Pudding, I think you’re ON TO SOMETHING here!!!

  15. 1. Cool mom, cool day trip to the health food store.
    2. I’m surprised to realize that the person I’d like to have punched for the past 35 years no longer elicits any feelings whatsoever from me. She has vaporized in my mind.
    3. Good on you for following through with the girls. I look forward to hearing in 20 years how it turned out.
    4. This is the best paragraph I’ve ever read. Even though my youngest kid is your age and the music and food choices are different than yours, this perfectly describes that moment in my life, too. Thanks for the lovely memory.

  16. Along the lines of MBV, did you hear that Donna Tartt is publishing a new novel sometime this year?! can’t wait! Can’t think of who I would punch though. Or, better, can’t effectively narrow down the list. :)

  17. OK, I’m back. I need more information on this clean and buy back deal. I’m pretty lax about my 7 year old’s bedroom but it drives my husband BAT.TY. So this just might work.

  18. I am really glad you found products you can cook with more.

    Shamefully I have several people on my punch list. I have never punched anyone in my life. Maybe my brother when I was a child. And maybe once more as a teen:)

    Great idea from your friend about the kids buying back their stuff from you after doing chores.

    Love My Bloody Valentine.

  19. My French friend used to add a pinch of nutritional yeast to her vinaigrette to knock the acidity down just a bit. Still tangy, but not biting.

    And no one is EVER too old for midnight donuts. That’s crazy talking right there.

  20. Punchee(s): the preschool teacher who ridiculed my elder son’s attempts at drawing at age 3 (he did not atempt again until he was 15). Barbara Bush, for giving birth to W. Happily, I cannot think of a single person who has done anything to me personally bad enough to deserve the punch. Oh, wait, that lady that let her car roll backward on the exit ramp until she hit my car, then totally blamed me for the entire thing.

  21. You MUST give us updates on the outcome of purge cleaning. Is it clean now? In a month? Do that hate you forever not really?

    We have similar on a small scale. Any toy left in the kitchen (I hate cooking and tripping on some random puzzle piece they came in with and got distracted and left.) goes in a box on top of the cupboard that can be bought back with a chore (of MY choice not theirs.

  22. I know I’m really late to the party, but I would totally punch my former boss, who was evil. And I would wish flaming hemorrhoids on my sister-in-law. It’s possible that I have anger issues… :)

  23. I just did something very similar to my oldest daughter’s bedroom. I took everything out of there that was not large furniture or up in the closet (her books remained on the bookshelf and on her desk). It all got tossed in the hallway (I’m pretty sure there were a couple of times I said,”I hope it broke!) to be sorted through and put away, somewhere else, or trashed. I vacuumed her room, even in the closets. I took all of the stuff down from her closets (yes! She has two!) and went through that too. It felt very good. I sure wish I could do that with my own things…ugh.
    I love the idea of a buy back bin, but my crazy tends to get in the way of letting the kids do clean-up chores. I need to get over it.
    I agree with someone else…the point about your college days, that paragraph is amazing. I laughed about your first senior year. I think I had two and a half. :)

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