The Stalking of My Swiss Cheese Cookie Tongue

At 2:45 in the morning I was listening to the rain, trying to remember when I last ate either Swiss cheese or an Oreo, and taking photos of my tongue. You might think that sounds strange, but I am willing to bet that if I provided some context you would nod your head and admit that under similar circumstances you would have done the same exact thing.

Yesterday morning I treated myself to 30 minutes of reading and oatmeal at Panera. Seated at the booth facing me was a guy in his early 20s. (Although we were facing each other, it wasn’t awkward because he was hiding behind his laptop and I was hiding behind John Irving.) When I got up to leave, he got up to leave. I headed straight over to the grocery store where I saw the same guy in the produce section (near the avocados, if you need specifics). Because this particular grocery store didn’t meet my high expectations when it comes to sweet potatoes (I have standards!), I checked out and headed to the grocery store across the street WHERE I SAW THE GUY AGAIN! THIS TIME IN THE COOKIE AISLE!

My first thought? “This guy is following me, and either he’s not very good or else my eyes are too peeled to be followed by undercover agents!” My second thought? “Oh dear God, what if something strange is happening in my brain and I’m actually following HIM?! What is the definition of transient global amnesia?!”

I started walking to the cash registers in a zigzag pattern, because I believe that’s what you’re supposed to do when being chased by an alligator.

I’m pleased to report that the guy was not in my family room when I got home, and I’m also 93% sure that he had nothing to do with my late night rainy tongue photo shoot, although I admit that I’m afraid to look too closely for his face in the background of my photos. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

5 thoughts on “The Stalking of My Swiss Cheese Cookie Tongue”

  1. I don’t think I will be able to stand it if you end up actually liking this book — because then I will have to completely re-evaluate the disappointment and disdain I have built up for his recent stuff, and might even consider going out and buying myself a copy and then burying myself in it for days. And right at the moment? I ain’t got *time* for that!

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