As you know, I got a new camera. And just like anyone who finds a new friend, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time getting to know her. The camera has been attached to me for the past seven days, and has clicked through quite a few car rides, cat jumps, bees on flowers, donuts dipped in chocolate, etc.
This morning was my annual gynecological visit. (Wait. You’re suddenly nervous about that camera paragraph, aren’t you?) Because I’m absolutely terrible when it comes to anticipating morning traffic, I left my house an hour early and ended up being 38 minutes early for the appointment. I considered treating myself to a coffee and I toyed with the thought of indulging in a fast food egg biscuit, but ultimately I decided to sit in the parking lot with a half-knitted scarf and my camera.
My camera has a self-portrait setting, so I decided to take some photos of myself in an effort to document what I look like before receiving (receiving? is that right?!) my annual pap smear. It turns out that I look not completely unlike this:
So, I’m sitting. I’m clicking photos. I’m wondering why the shadows on my face make it look like I’m wearing orange foundation. I’m posing with string cheese. I’m turning up the music and getting into this self-portrait thing. And unfortunately, I’m being watched. By my gynecologist. Yeah. She walked by and smiled as I was blasting Metric and getting goofy with my camera. So, that’s not really what I wanted to happen, but that’s what you get when you choose Gynecologist Parking Lot as a photo shoot location.
After about fifteen minutes, I entered the building feeling nervous and sheepish and self-conscious and all of the other things you tend to feel before participating in a pap smear. I had my blood pressure taken (it was returned shortly thereafter), I placed my pee in a cup, and I wrote my mailing address on a card that will be delivered to me next year on May 18th to remind me that it’s time for my annual pap smear. All ends nicely tied.
I was then led back to a room where I traded cotton and denim for paper and was given ten minutes to nervously sit in that paper while filling up on pap smear dread. (Am I the only one who gets worked up like this?)
My gynecologist (I really do love her) entered the room and asked what’s new.
Dr. C: Nothing?
Me: Not really.
Dr. C: Well, I guess that’s a good thing.
We then discussed the weirdness under my arm and my Dermatologist Incarcerated (I get you, Amy Winehouse). We discussed my birth control pills and how I do believe I’ll stay on them forever. And then I put my feet up and all of the blood rushed out of my head.
Dr. C (pushing metal things into my own private Idaho): So, how old are your kids now?
Me: Four and six.
Dr. C (swabbing and swabbing): Four and six. That’s so hard to believe. Wait. I can’t remember your oldest daughter’s name.
Dr. C: Meredith?
Me: Yes. That’s correct. Wow.
Marilyn. God only knows where my head goes when I’m trying to escape from the moment.
As the doctor was getting ready to leave the room, I somehow found a way to bring up turkey basters.
17 thoughts on “Monroe or Manson. Take your pick.”
Dude, what we go through. Seriously.
Although, the last time I had my annual swab (at a new doctor’s office), I was treated to an actual, soft, FABRIC gown. Nice touch, Dr. Lady. nice touch.
Oh for a fabric gown.
No, you’re not the only one who gets all worked up like that. I bet we’re not even the only two.
I would rather have a root canal than a pap, seriously.
After all the IF fun, I’m so over the doctor in my hoo ha thing. However, I am not over that scarf! So pretty!
Speaking of your knit-tastic skills, I stopped by your place of employment Sunday. I knew you wouldn’t be there, but we were in the neighborhood and I’d never even noticed that place before! Now I know where to go when I finally give in and join the Knitters Cult.
Turkey basters? Ooooh, I have a guess. Can we guess? Is this a contest?? My guess is that you went straight from dermatology to sinus issues and were discussing nasal lavage. Perfectly logical to do that in the middle of a gyn exam. Anything to take your mind off…other things.
That’s a very pretty half-knit scarf. What yarn is that?
– but you got a decent photo out of the deal, Annie.
Let me give you a real reason to dread the annual pap smear. Back in the day when my gyno actually used a metal speculum (now they’re mostly plastic), it once broke inside of me. It pinched very, very hard. Now I just have to see a speculum to make me wince.
Well. I did not USED to have anxiety over my yearly deck swabbing, but now that I won’t be able to go to the GYN without thinking of Marilyn Manson waving a broken metal speculum in my general direction, my therapist can buy that sportscar he’s been wanting! EVERYONE WINS.
Wow, love your scarf…let me know what pattern and yarn you used! How was the bead shopping on Saturday? I looked at the Moroccan shawl pattern and fell in love….no wonder you were thinking about red beads!
Oh, those, conversations. On the other side: I love that scarf? Did you make it?
I get nervous waiting and the paper “drape” doesn’t help.
Last time the nurse asked me to “change” and implied the doctor would be right in. Surprise! what happened was a 15 minute “chat” with the nurse about random thoughts that popped into her head. While I was “wearing” the paper “drape”. FUN!
Were you baking a turkey later that afternoon?
I can just imagine …
Monroe, definitely Monroe.
Pap smears don’t bother me, nor do the paper clothing . I guess working in the medical field does that to one?
I love the sharpness of that shot. Are you loveing your new camera?
I used to work with an American gal who visited the dentist every 6 months but who hadn’t had a pap smear in 5 years. Weird. And my gynae told me a great story about a woman who was on her phone the whole time he was doing something very delicate “down there”. How bizarre is that?
seriously, I used to have panic attacks about my paps
then I had babies, and it got better
but my midwife has moved an hour away, and I’m not ready to trust a new person – thankfully my office is now doing the every-2-years rotation for those of us who meet certain criteria
so I have another 18 months or so to think about who will get the great privilege of performing my next annual exam
Scarf details, Please!
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