Last week I stopped at a stoplight (as I often do), and for whatever reason, I reached up and rubbed my right eye. Suddenly, with my hand over my right eye, I could no longer read the Imo’s sign across the street and I Freaked Out (as I often do).
This is what it has been like to live with me during the past week: Please picture yourself sitting in our rocking chair and watching television. I’m sitting on the couch. A commercial comes on, and text flashes across the screen. From the corner of your eye, you see my right hand fly up to my right eye.
Me: I CAN’T READ THAT TEXT! IF I DIDN’T KNOW THOSE WERE WORDS I WOULDN’T KNOW THOSE WERE WORDS!!! WHAT DOES IT SAY?!?!
(Jeff has been carving the “Love is patient…” verse from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians into his left forearm with a dirty pocket knife as I sit on the couch screaming like Helen Keller at the running text on CNN. Anderson Cooper!)
I went to see an eye doctor yesterday morning, and I’m now carrying around a prescription for glasses. (If you’re craving details, please know that I’m astigmatic in my left eye, and my right eye vision is actually worse than my left—but neither eye is very bad. The astigmatism is throwing my brain off, which sparks my interest in many ways, most of which center around that headache I’ve been droning on about for the past six weeks.)
So, anyway. When it’s time to choose a pair of glasses, the best thing to do is take a photo of yourself and play on the computer in your kitchen, right? Right!
Okay, look. I know it’s not a great photo of me. You’re never going to get one of those, so let’s suck it up and concentrate on the glasses. I don’t mind these at all.
I mind these a little more. They’re too thin, maybe? I need some pressed powder for my nose.
Harper likes the orange frames the best. Pearle Vision is running a Buy One, Get One Free deal on frames. Even with that deal, I don’t believe I’ll go for the orange. They make me look like I’m a Celine Dion fan who’s trying really hard to carry off Funky, but everyone knows she has a sweatshirt at home that features a St. Bernard wearing a Santa hat. Am I right? Also, when did I start looking like Jeff Goldblum?
I just fell asleep. This is what I would look like if I fell asleep while wearing glasses!
AND, now I’m scared. This is fun, isn’t it?
My glasses have to look smart during my late night mustard drinking sessions!
I just made out with Ben Folds!
So, anyway. The eye doctor has made me promise to not call him if I reach for the pepper shaker and miss it for the first few days after getting the glasses.
Me: Can I call you if I fall down the stairs?
Him: No. Just wear the glasses and be careful. Your eyes and brain will adjust to any abnormalities you may sense at the beginning. Call me in a year and we’ll revisit the prescription.
Me: I fall down a LOT. I NEVER TOOK DANCE LESSONS!
Him: That’s great. Call me in a year.