Me: Okay. The music is getting louder. It’s time for us to have a conversation.
My sister: What is it?
Me: If everyone around us starts to dance, are you going to join them?
My sister: No. I’m not.
Me: Good. Because me neither. Do you see that lady over there? Have you ever done that before and actually meant it?
My sister: You mean raising the roof?!
Me: Yes. Raising the roof.
My sister: No.
Me: Good. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I danced with abandon.
My sister: Who is Amanda?
Me: I don’t know anyone named Amanda!
My sister: Is that why you can’t remember dancing with her?!
Me: I’ve never danced with Amanda! IT’S GETTING SO LOUD WE CAN’T EVEN HEAR EACH OTHER! WHAT IF WE GET SEPARATED?! SHOULD WE COME UP WITH A SAFE WORD?!
My sister: I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO STICK ANYTHING INTO YOUR BUTT!!!
This morning I found myself at my annual gynecologist appointment. (I know! Nice segue with the butt thing, right? Kind of!) Because I let the cat out of the bag regarding the fact that I tend to cycle (heh) for two to three weeks at a time, she decided to take a uterine biopsy.
Me: Do I have to come back for that?
My doctor: Nope. It’s quick. I’ll just do it before I do your pap smear.
Me: Cool beans.
(My slang tends to reach back into the 80s when I’m at the gynecologist. (I spent a lot of time in stirrups back then, too.) Pants. Stirrup pants! HA HA HA!!! I also wore a lot of brooches and fake pearls, Molly Ringwald.)
My doctor, slightly opening the exam room door: Nancy? Can I get a little help in here?
Me: Wait. Why Nancy? Is this going to hurt?
My doctor: You’ll probably feel a little bit of “WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?” but by the time you get to THERE, I’ll be done.
Me: What the–
My doctor: When I count to three, I want you to give me a cough. One, two…
Me: COUGH COUGH COUGH WHATAREYOUDOINGDOWNTHERE COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!!!!
My doctor: All done. You’ll probably be cramping and bleeding for the rest of the day.
And I am, and I am.
Psst! My Acer now has an arm! I just might have a new sweater to wear to marching band competitions! (See how I left us on a happy note? Fluid Pudding is a roller coaster!)
17 thoughts on “Amanda Plan A Canal Pandamonium!”
Loved the segue. Your conversation about Amanda/abandon reminds me of “Who’s on first? I’don’t know, but you cleverly managed to get to third base…kind of. You are so funny and the sweater is looking good.
sleeves are usually never completed on my sweaters. I should start out with the intention of vests instead (not that they ever make it to that point either). Also, I just called for MY appt and they have a “waiting list”. Time to find a new dr? I hate going and making multiple attempts to go is discouraging.
Now that you know all about me, I hope everything comes out perfectly fine. : )
Marching band season – yessss!
Been there, bled that. My biopsy was okay and yours will be too, I just know it.
Marching band season!!! YES!! Even though my kid might be too messed up to march this season! But we are seeing a new therapist today! I KNOW I AM SORT OF SHOUTING!
That sweater is one of my favorite colors ever.
But you’ll keep us posted, right?
I hesitate to say any of this out loud, so I’m just going to whisper it. Pretend this is a 4pt font, because that’s how I whisper – in 4pt font.
Psssst – I had the same thing happening as you are a year or so ago and now? I think I’m d-o-n-e. I don’t want to jinx it, so I’m just whispering in 4pt font, OK?
Good luck on your whatever is going on!
That is good news, Linda. Because I had the same think starting about six months ago and did the same doctor thing, which found nothing. I hope you’re right!
Ahhh…welcome to my world.
Except when you’re 22 and have never birthed babies they tend to be all “Wt…huh?” So that’s super fun. Yay Uteruseses! (that’s the plural, right?)
What a few others have said here already, I’ll add to. I had the same thing beginning in my early 40s, and the biopsies (which showed nothing wrong) and my doctor said to me “Some women, when they’re approaching menopause, just get lighter and lighter and lighter until one month they don’t have a period and they’re done. But some just bleed and bleed and bleed, kind of like a ‘last hurrah’ and I think that’s what you’re doing.”
Yay. A last hurrah. Well, that’s what it was. After a couple of years of some months being like that I had no more trouble and no more monthly hassle and that’s been more than twenty years now. Way more than 20, now that I think of it. And no problems ever after.
So I hope now that you know you’re not alone and it’s probably just nothing to worry about you can go ahead and relax and put the other sleeve on that beautiful sweater!
I’m glad we can discuss this in a safe place! My sis had her inconvenient organ removed a few years ago and now she’s no good at all for the girly talk–she gets completely grossed out by any mention of my special parts. I’ve recently had to upgrade the tampon protection for one day/month. It’s like my body is all “I’m bored with this, it’s all going to happen TODAY, and GO!”
And I can’t believe how fast you’re knitting that!
All things gyno give me the willies! I am doing the same thing! Just caught up …I’m so glad you finished the race!!! Good for you!
This is exactly why my response to the prospect of spending a year as a woman leads me to weep uncontrollably and start looking for sheer cliffs from which to leap. Pap smears, sittups, the 80s, rape (legitimate or otherwise), uterine nightmares, etc. My God. And all with a side of birthin’ babies and cramps. And theology blames it all on fruit? Really?!?!
Next time I’m going to whisper in 2pt font. Evidently, 4pt font is still loud enough to jinx things. Hmmm.
I haven’t looked up those links…..but I thought you were referring to Panda-monium, so I guess I won’t click through looking for adorable black & white bears?
I hope you have already arranged to leave your brain to Science. They are definitely going to want to investigate how it enables you to get from Point A to Point B — by way of Mauritania! ;-)
thank you for the warning – I now know to refuse all uterine biopsies unless they’ve knocked me out
for reals – I have issues with that sort of thing…
I SO have been there done that, except I passed out when I had my biopsy, and mine did not turn out so well – long story short – I had a LEEP procedure – thankfully my cervix was frozen this time – sounds fun hey? When I was all done I could hardly walk and my mom wanted to go shopping! HA – anyhow – two babies later – all is well – Yay for healthy uteruses – ! there’s a song in here somewhere! ha ha – I should laugh in 4 pt font
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