No lines, no ride. My body is a closed down amusement park.

I love that several of you read yesterday’s post and questioned whether I should continue running.

No one suggested that I turn myself in for a potential black-out killing. (A special tip of the hat to Sir, who eased my mind a bit with the whole “you can’t be convicted” comment.)

Here’s the thing. Yes. Running is difficult for me. It’s the first thing I’ve done in quite some time that REALLY challenges me both mentally and physically. (This is where I would insert a Fifty Shades of Grey joke, but I have no idea what you are talking about.) Nine months ago I couldn’t run for more than two minutes without wanting to die. (Because my leg was broken. Because I was heel striking. Because I don’t read history books, so I’m destined to make the same mistakes as Napoleon.) Now I can run for about five minutes without wanting to die, and then I can KEEP running for 21 more minutes! I’m not quitting now.

Actually, after I reach the point where running comes easy, I’m going to start Kobe Bryanting myself over moving cars.

This morning was not a good one at our house. The girls were crabby and we’re out of Aleve and the dress I’m wearing to this weekend’s wedding is NOT looking good.

Harper: Are you sick?

Me: No, but my arm is acting like it wants to be somewhere else.

Harper: Are you angry?

Me: No. Here’s the deal. I don’t like referring to myself as Mommy, but I’m about to make an exception. I’m going to say this one time only, and I’m not going to offer any sort of explanation. Are you ready?

Harper: I’m ready.

Me: Mommy needs Spanx.

Harper: What?

Me: Grab your backpack. Let’s go.

Thirty minutes later, I found myself in a dressing room trying to sausage myself into at least 11 different styles of shape wear. (This is what you’re missing on Instagram.) It was absolutely terrible. I couldn’t even pull one of the styles up past my knees, so I challenged myself to find the size that I COULD actually pull up. XXL. I almost bought the XXL (it was black and shiny), but then it occurred to me that this isn’t how it’s supposed to work. (Side story: I currently have my running application set to believe that I weigh 380 pounds, because it feels good when my display says that I’ve worked off over 500 calories. The reality isn’t nearly as rewarding.)

I went with this. (Do NOT watch the video on that page. If you’re anything like me, it will make you want to put your fist through a wall—which is something I’ve never actually done. I definitely disagree with the woman who announces that the model has a slight muffin top. Don’t even get me started on this.)

After putting my pants back on and paying for my goods, I stopped by the drugstore to pick up some Nutter Butters. (They are vegan.) Don’t look at me. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

19 thoughts on “No lines, no ride. My body is a closed down amusement park.”

  1. I say I want to start running but my boobs and butt are too big. They would be running sideways with me and I can’t have them competing with me.

    Congrats on making it this far!

  2. That model doesn’t even look like she needs those things! That’s not fair.

    I stand by my decision to not be a the running type. I don’t even think I’d run if something dangerous was after me. But you, Pudding, you will survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

  3. I think it’s fabulous that you’re still running even though it’s difficult. I am allergic to Things That Are Difficult. Intestinal Fortitude Disorder, I think it’s called.

  4. Ohhhhhh Spanx. I detest Spanx. I have some, but I never wear them because they always roll down and I can’t breathe and I’m pretty sure everyone knows that I’m dying inside. And now that I have a baby, I’m just like, “Suck it, world. I can do what I want.” So I wear some killer high-rise underwear (thanks, Soma!) and a knock-out bra. Is it possible to feel sexy in Spanx? Not unless you’re the lady who invented them and you’re rolling around in a pile of cash.

  5. I think you’re doing great with the running!! I know it’s hard – my running friends and I all agree that the first 10 minutes absolutely suck no matter how long you’ve been running. It’s inevitable. So know that once you cross that magic # you’ll feel just fine. Hang in there.

  6. Oh no, I watched the video. Slight muffintop. Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Ha.

    I do have a cautionary tale for shapewear-wearers: Once I bought this light shaping undergarment to wear under a pair of white pants. My husband and I went to a party, and I was proudly strutting around when my husband came up and whispered in my ear: “Honey, do you know you there is some writing on your butt that says ‘No visible pantyline'”?

    So. Be sure to remove the label from your shapewear before you put it on. Unless, of course, you are PARTICULARLY proud that you are wearing some and want to let people know!

  7. I have several pair of spanx and other branded shapewear. I will not wear the highwaisted kind because I can’t keep them from rolling down. (apparently you can safety pin them to your bra) They aren’t meant to be easy to get into, but once you’re in you should be able to breathe. They’re like control top tights (which I can’t believe people wear any other kind) except I don’t stop with them halfway up my thighs and question my sanity.

  8. The dress is lovely and I’m sure you will shine in it ! Undergarments are torture devices.It has been my experience when buying those types of products that I have to go up a few sizes to be able to even get it on (ie. if I wear a small, I buy a large). You are a champion with the running.

  9. Oh man, laughing at Jan’s post. I recently tried on some shape wear for post surgery support. Spanx were impossible to put on. I opted for Olga’s, high waisted panties with a light control panel…not as flesh squashing but very comfortable. Have worn them a lot.

    Also, good luck with your running, you’ve inspired me to will to the woods today…for a walk, that hopefully will turn into running again, someday.

  10. Well, if you feel like a not-quitting runner no matter what, then a not-quitting no matter what runner you should be, and all the better for it, no doubt! My younger self is envious that the timing of my own Very Bad Sprain was such that it discouraged/deterred me from taking up that activity ever again. More power to you, FP, and may your feet be fleet!!

  11. Good for you – keep running!! I does get better but I am really glad to read Mary’s comment and know I am not imagining it.


  12. In my experience, and I’ve got lots in the squeezer department, it takes two people – a husband or a daughter – to help one into the garment. Crippling laughter ensues, of course. If you have to take it off to go the bathroom, that’s not good.

  13. What I want to know is this: are we supposed to use the crotch opening to pee through? Because when I wear Spanx, and I have to whizz, I have to take the whole undergarment off. Peeing through that opening just means I end up with urine all over my hands.

  14. I agree, you must pee with conviction BEFORE you don that spanx. Don’t convince yourself it will be fine. It won’t be fine. Limit fluids. Even fluid pudding. I’m sorry to deliver this news.

    I have a similar piece of torture clothing and this is what has to happen to keep it from rolling: My husband who I can never ever piss off again because he has witnessed this, has to grab the spanx and yank it hard and high until it goes under my bra strap.

    I also suggest thigh highs instead of panty hose because when it is time to take that off, you’re really going to have to pee. You don’t want one more layer.

  15. I really have to get back to the gym! You are inspiring…bloodied hands and all. I, too, own Spanx (sigh). Regarding last post – in NJ we still have woods.

  16. I already disliked Kobe Bryant intensely. This did not improve my perception of him. At all.
    I watched the shape wear video. I couldn’t help myself – I had to click on the left navigation categories for back fat and tummy pooch. I can’t decide if I appreciate their honesty (what is the euphemism for back fat…..probably just better to say it) or if it just makes me mad that we feel we have to buy this stuff at all. Would the men’s page have categories for “beer gut” and “love handles”?

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