I will mangle your microwave and cripple your coffeepot.

I volunteer at the girls’ school at least three days each week, and I totally love being there. I love the teachers, I love the office staff, I love the kids, I love using the word Love, and so on! (I *did* try to employ my reliable thesaurus in order to tune down the Love a bit, and it was recommended that I say something like “I get a bang out of the teachers” or “I lust for the office staff.” I believe I will stick with Love. Thus it is, and so it goes.)

Yesterday afternoon my mom and I volunteered to help 73 first and second graders make paper. About an hour before the kids were to arrive, the teacher showed us how to make pulp in the blender and asked us to fill nine tubs with different colored pulps. Sixty minutes to fill nine tubs with pulp. Duck soup.

After about four or five tubs, we broke the blender. And when I say “we broke the blender” I simply mean that the blender stopped working. I don’t believe we did anything incorrectly—it just overheated or something and died. (It took the microwave down with it, so I can only assume this was an electrical issue. However, when we tried to plug the blender in at a working outlet? It once again did not work. This story is growing entirely too long. May I bring you a blanket?)

The teacher, who is admirably unflappable and kind, handed some cash over and asked if I could go to the store and grab another blender. Yes I can! Mom and I rushed out, grabbed another blender, returned to the school, and made another three tubs of pulp before the second blender broke. At that point, we felt a bit Lucy and Ethel-esque.

My mom (making small talk to distract me from freaking out): Do you still have that weird spot on your hip?

Me: Yep. I think I’m going to have it cut off after knitting camp.

My mom: You know, I’m pretty good at making paper. Maybe I could cut that thing off of your hip!

Both of us: Ha Ha HA HA HA!!!!!

We were able to make due with the pulp we created before Operation Blender Annihilation, and 73 students made some pretty awesome paper before Mom and I headed home for the day. Excellent. (This morning I helped 21 kids plant grass seeds in cups, and at one point I actually said, “I don’t think you want to see me lose my patience.” As my kids know, this is the final thing I tend to say before completely losing my cool. Luckily, I was able to finish the planting and exit the building without showing everyone my ugly Jekyll/Hyde spin kick transformation. (No disrespect intended toward those with actual split personality disorders. (Bases? Covered!)))

I’m getting ready for next week’s knitting camp, and I plan on taking you with me if the WiFi connection is as great as they say. (Dear Coffee Lady, I know. This is NOT real camping, is it?!) I’m taking my current lace weight project (a Pi Shawl made from Noro “Sekku”), a DK weight project (a Seraphim made of Silky Wool), a worsted weight project (a short-sleeved Liesl made of ruby Sierra), and my latest obsession: a Taygete made from Scout’s Swag and Sanguine Gryphon sock yarns. (It’s for my migraine doctor. Because she always admires my knitting and she hasn’t yet given up on the bugs in my head.)

I am drinking Tropicana Pure Premium and giving away a $100 Visa Gift Card! Leave a comment for your chance to win!

I went shopping at Walgreens, and now I’m giving away a $100 Walgreens gift card! Come on over! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

9 thoughts on “I will mangle your microwave and cripple your coffeepot.”

  1. Is the SG sock yarn Bugga? Do you love it? I knit my mom a pair of socks for Christmas out of bugga and it completely ruined me for all other sock yarns. RUINED ME!!!! Fortunately she’ll be at Stitches South this month and I can buy more. And make socks for ME!

  2. Yeah, paper pulp does that to blenders. I made some every day for a semester or year or something in college. It’s not just you.

    BTW if I didn’t respond thanks for your Audible.com recs. The flu has significantly eroded my brain. Coincidentally, my first real indication of this was when I told my daughter that I didn’t want to print out a picture of a toy we already had a printout of, because cars are cut down to make paper, and I don’t want that to happen any more than necessary.

  3. I had my grandparents’ old beehive-shaped Oster blender and it finally broke. I went and bought the new retro version of the Oster beehive. I brought it home and flipped it on and…it was loud. So loud it made the dog pee herself and I came close to doing the same. It was like standing next to a jet engine at takeoff, only a tiny bit louder. I returned it and still, three years later have no blender, because I am afraid to try again.

  4. The knitting is beautiful, though it’s like photos of a foreign land to me. I can only admire it without ever having experienced it.

    I had to comment because the “May I get you a blanket?” line made me laugh out loud. Literally. Not that fake LOL text version that I suspect is often untrue. But for real. I laughed – out loud.

    And I just wanted to check to see if you’ve got that copyrighted because I so want to, um, borrow it someday.

    The good news is that 5 minutes after I leave here, I won’t remember it. So the desire to borrow often never leads to any borrowing.

    I suppose then that I am just admiring. Yeah, the knitting and the writing. Both.

  5. “I don’t think you want to see me lose my patience.” Hilarious. I admire your brave willingness to volunteer. While in grad school, I volunteered ONE TIME at my son’s school. I was studying neurobiology, so the teacher thought it would be neat to bring in some basic lab equipment and chat a bit about the brain. The kids broke most of said lab equipment and three little girls burst out crying when I said the brain had the consistency of jello. Ahh.

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