Daily Archives : Page 85 of 110 : Fluid Pudding

Do you really want to play that way?

As you know, Jeff is in Palm Springs for the next few days. His original flight was canceled yesterday morning, so he had to fly into Los Angeles and then drive into Palm Springs, and this unfortunate fliparoo of scheduling actually caused him to make it to his hotel before he would have had he been on the original flight, because: No Layover in Houston. Oh, the humanity!

Meanwhile, Meredith’s teacher pulled me aside on Wednesday and told me that Meredith wasn’t really acting like herself at school—she was throwing her feet up on her desk and acting sort of nuts, which isn’t really her typical At School demeanor. Later that evening, Meredith Baroque DaHown and I ended up keeping her home again yesterday. (I reluctantly sent her back to school today, and when I volunteered in her classroom this morning, I handed her teacher a piece of paper with my phone number on it and asked her to call me if things got crazy. I hate that I’m such a weirdo with that sort of thing.)

A few hours ago, I received the following photo from Jeff. It came in a message titled The View From My Doorstep.

Meanwhile, it’s sort of cold and snowy/rainy here. Oh! Wait! Here’s The View From My Doorstep.

Ah, but before you start grabbing your handkerchiefs and violins in my honor, please know that the UPS man has provided me with a silver lining!

(They’re my first ever pair of boots (really!), and they’re making me want to wear skirts and maybe even tie scarves around my neck and do cutesy twirls when I walk!)

((I fall down all of the time. I won’t really be doing the cutesy twirl thing. BUT, skirts! Maybe!))

(((Someday I might tell you about how the tissue paper surrounding the boots was smeared with what appeared to be some sort of animal feces. It sort of killed the buzz of the whole “Hey! Boot deliveries are awesome!” thing. Luckily, I was able to put on a pair of my disposable latex gloves (I wear them often), peel the paper away from the boots, verify that none of the mess was actually touching the shoes, and Hooray! Boot deliveries ARE awesome!)))

((((Yes. The tree is still up. I’m working on it. (I’m not really working on it.))))) ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Talk to me so you can see what’s going on.

About a month ago, I finally got a laptop. With the freelance picking up, it felt like a good time. So, I brought the laptop home, I named him Ira, I got to know him, and a few days into our relationship I discovered that he had a camera. SO, I fired up the software and immediately found that I appeared upside down on the monitor. I spent about twenty minutes adjusting settings, but I never found anything that flipped the image over. Because I don’t believe that I’m supposed to be holding the laptop upside down (or standing on my head) to capture images, Jeff and I took the laptop back to the store to take advantage of our Geek Squad free subscription. (The subscription came with the laptop. Everything’s coming up roses!)

After doing EXACTLY WHAT I HAD DONE with the adjustment of the settings for about fifteen seconds, the Geek Squad guy said these words: “It’s a faulty computer. I’m just going to give you a new one.” He then folded up my laptop, walked away, and returned carrying a new laptop in a box.

Me (sputtering): Wait. What about the stuff on my laptop?

Geek Squad Guy: Don’t worry. We’ll clear it out.

Me: But the stuff! The stuff I put on it that I might need! I need a few minutes to look at my stuff!

I then spent about three minutes writing down these exact words in one of my little notebooks:

Old freelance files
Two photos
Photoshop?

And then we left (and went to Cracker Barrel!), leaving Ira behind. The old freelance files? I have the current files on the Mac, so they’re good to go. The two photos? I don’t know what they are, other than upside down photos of a very bewildered me. Photoshop? Yeah. That felt like a tiny punch in the gut, but it’s all cleared up now. The New Ira, who I simply call Ira, is working like a charm, and everything is right side up and lovely.

Let’s see. What else? Meredith has a slight case of pneumonia, which I always thought was a serious thing, being that my grandmother died from it and all. BUT, she was cleared to return to school today (I’m once again talking about Meredith), and will be on antibiotics for the next three days. Dead birds are falling from the sky, and pneumonia no longer walks uphill both ways. Something wicked this way comes.

I used to be one of the most easy going people I know, but now it seems that I cannot deal with salt and pepper unless I grind them myself. I’m writing it off as One of Those Quirks That Appear When A Girl Turns Forty, along with my new fascination with the Clarisonic Mia, which I’ll tell you all about if you want to hear it. (I don’t need any hateration on the Mia, by the way. I know it’s expensive. I know it’s a face washing system. I know. I know! I got one for Christmas, and I now spend my entire day looking forward to my nighttime Washing o’ the Face. The next time you see me, I’ll probably look no different than the last time you saw me. HOWEVER, I’ll be glowing from within. Because of sonic skin cleansing. I know.)

Jeff is leaving tomorrow for Palm Springs. Last year during his trip, our furnace went out and I became one of those ladies who sleeps with a fire starter under her pillow and listens to furnace guys tell sob stories about bloody urine. This year we have a different furnace, a new way to wash our face, and a sea salt grinder. Bring the noise, Public Enemy! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

John Slattery has a cute little nose. And so does Jeff.

Harper approached me last night with a very serious look on her face.

Harper: Mom, if Justin Bieber marries Selena Gomez, will I still have dreams about him?

Me: Well, first of all, I doubt that Bieber and Selena Gomez get married. BUT, to answer your question, yes! You can still have dreams about him. I mean, I guess you can still dream about him.

Harper: It’s just that *I* want to marry him.

Me: I know. BUT, you’re five. You have a lot of living to do before it’s time to get married.

Harper: Actually, I can get married when I’m eighteen, but I might want to be a rock star first.

Me: Yes. I would love for you to be a rock star first. OR, maybe you can go to college!

Harper: It’s just that Bieber has such a cute little nose.

Oh, Harper. I get it. When I was a kid, Andy Gibb had a cute little nose. And then Les McKeown had a cute little nose. And how many photos of myself did I tape over Nancy McKeon’s face just so I could get next to Michael J. Fox’s cute little nose?

This one’s for you, Harper. Admittedly, it’s Creepiness Deluxe. BUT, I think you’ll like it. Suddenly, your big face is covering Selena’s—right next to Bieber’s cute little nose.

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Jeff’s phone is making me feel uncomfortable.

Jeff has a work phone. And it’s not just a work phone, it’s a jazzed up crazy iPhone with a bunch of doodads and geegaws.

One of his recent doodad/geegaw acquisitions is titled Price Check by Amazon. With this particular app, you can say a product name into the phone, and it will do an Amazon price check for you. He was showing it to me this afternoon, and it was really pretty amazing. Until it wasn’t.

Jeff: Watch this. RITZ CRACKERS.

Phone Display: Ritz Crackers. Pack of twelve 4 oz. convenience pack? $16.98.

Me: AUGH! That’s nuts! Try one of my knitting books!

Jeff: Which one?

Me: This one!

Jeff: KNITTED LACE OF ESTONIA!

Phone Display: I have no results for Naked Ladies with Dystonia.

Me: Wow. That was a close one. Here. Try this cookbook.

Jeff: MAKE IT FAST, COOK IT SLOW!

Phone Display: I have no results for Naked Brats Cook it Slow.

Me: You’re going to be fired on Monday.

The Pudding Family would like to wish you a Happy New Year!

Naked a Good One! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

AND, welcome back.

As I sit at the computer this morning (making good on my promise to tout my final Laughing Cow post), the girls are in the front room eating Honey Nut Cheerios and watching as Jeff plays Super Mario Bros. on the Wii. This is what Christmas is all about. (This is not really what Christmas is all about.)

Meredith: Are you SURE we don’t have school today?

Me: Yes.

Meredith: Positive?

Me: Positive.

Meredith: Should we drive by just in case?

Me: Yes. Go get dressed and check your backpack for notes and stale cupcakes. Do you have some lunch money?

Meredith: Really?

Me: No.

Christmas was good to the Puddings, and I have new long underwear (shirts, not bottoms—I’ll handle my own bottoms) to prove it. I also received the yarn to make this sweater, so let’s hope that happens sometime before 2015, because what a cute sweater! It will go great with my long underwear shirts! Also, Jeff surprised me with this, which means I can now do my goofy drawings for Fluid Pudding without actually having to: 1. grab a Sharpie and a piece of paper, 2. hope for no huge goofs, 3. fire up the scanner, 4. adjust the white levels, 5. are you getting the idea that it’s all so exhausting to be crappy-stick-figure-drawing me sometimes?! (It’s okay. I make my hot tea in the microwave to make up for it. Also, I rarely touch the Scrubbing Bubbles.)

I hope you’re all enjoying yourselves out there in the heat and the snow and the whatever you’re having. (Supposedly, we just had our first white Christmas in 17 years. Personally, I remember snow eight years ago, because I was pregnant with Meredith and I remember everyone feeling the need to grab my arm and help me up and down hills and sidewalks. Am I the only one who remembers the snowy Christmas of 2002? Help me out here.) There are only 24 hours or so left in the final Laughing Cow giveaway, and I would love it if one of you would walk away with the $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

I could go on and on.

To the lady at the store who bought the final avocado roll . . . to the young man at the gas station who wore his daughter’s pink scarf and his own mismatched gloves . . . to the guy I see running to the bus stop every day with an umbrella—even when there’s zero chance of precipitation . . . to the child at school who wore the same clothes two days in a row last week . . . to my five year old who sings “Wise up, Shepherd, and follow!” . . . to my other daughter who changes every occurrence of Mistletoe to Missing Toe and then declares the song to be about her father . . . to the employee at school who humiliated a girl in the hallway to the extent that she was almost in tears yesterday morning . . . to the older gentleman at the grocery store who told me that my hair is nice (it’s actually quite mean!) . . . to the families who are needing something . . . to the families who are taking something for granted . . . to the teachers who light fires of inspiration in our kids’ heads . . . to the people who are just trying to get warm . . . to the woman at the doctor’s office who quietly tapped her leg to the beat of Jingle Bells and then raised both legs into the air for the final horse whinny . . . to the kindergarten student who called me over yesterday morning and then performed the sign of the cross . . . to the man at Walgreens who was shopping for infant Tylenol . . . to the other man who was shopping for Junior Mints . . . to each and every one of you for whatever reason you come by here . . . Merry Christmas.

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It’s a classic emerald cut. With a hemi.

Me: Jeff, I’ve been paying attention to the commercials this year, and it looks like you’re supposed to either purchase a car or diamonds for me for Christmas.

Jeff: I’ve got you covered.

Me: So, what did the television convince you to buy?

Jeff: I actually went off the grid and bought you a car made out of diamonds.

Me: Excellent. Imagine how stunning that’s going to be when I try to drive during the next ice storm!

Jeff: Best of all, it’s never going to scratch, so it was totally worth the completely debilitating amount of debt we’re now in.

Me: We might not be able to gas it up, but it sure will be pretty.

Jeff: You’re welcome.
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It’s the final Laughing Cow giveaway! Follow this link and talk about food and love and portion control, and you could win a $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

Merry Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah to all.

Every year, Neil puts together the (always amazing) blogger holiday concert.

Every year, I plan on putting together something really outstanding for you.

Every year, it sort of falls through. This year is no exception.

It occurred to me on Friday that I needed to check the date to see when this year’s submission was due. Yep. Due on Monday. I spent Friday evening thumbing through books and banging around on the piano, and growling at my family because nothing was coming together. On Saturday morning, Jeff took the kids to the store, and I recorded this for you.

My tempo is terrible, I lack emotion, and I’m very hard on myself. I know! If you skip straight over to the 2:30 mark, I won’t be offended in the least. (At 2:30, things start smelling like Bach for a few seconds, and that’s never a bad thing.) (In real life, I smell like Tom’s of Maine Lavender Deodorant. I’m assuming Bach’s scent was a bit lighter on the herbs. When he strolled by to take his place on the harpsichord bench, I like to think the ladies looked at each other with raised eyebrows and whispered, “Do you smell turnips and sausage?!”)

The entire Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert may be seen here, and it’s definitely worth your time. Those nutty bloggers are a talented bunch.
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It’s the final Laughing Cow giveaway! Follow this link and talk about food and love and portion control, and you could win a $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

It is now in the basement. In a bucket!

When you’re in your goofy teddy bear pajamas and it’s three degrees outside and you call your husband in Philadelphia to ask where the plunger is because it’s not in its normal location in the (very cold) garage and he tells you that he may have hung it on a nail that happens to be something like twelve feet above the ground—meaning you have to take more than five running jumps (with maniacal fist punches that make you look like the most blundering middle-aged ballerina, yeesh) to dislodge it from the nail, and when it DOES finally fall it hits you in the side of the head which causes you to yell the S word right as the next door neighbor’s kid is leaving his house to catch his bus, well, it’s not such a great way to kick off a Tuesday.

Glass Half Full: I started off my day with some exhilarating outdoor exercise. Also, I fixed the toilet and showed the middle school kid next door that I Am Human. ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>

In my mind, his name is Melchior. (In real life, I believe it’s Chad.)

The temperature in our back yard is currently 4.6 degrees Fahrenheit. If I wasn’t trying so hard to avoid clichés today, I’d burp out something about Bone Chilling! Anyway, the milkman just pulled his truck up to the front of the house, and because I want him to know that He is Not Alone, I met him by the cooler on the sidewalk.

Me: Can I grab the empties for you?

Milkman: Nope. I’ve got it.

Me: It’s such a crappy day out here. I feel for you.

Milkman: It IS a crappy day, but think about it. For each of the crappy days we have, we’re given so many more beautiful days!

Me: Oh! Well. Um. Yeah. I wanted to be crabby, but now I can’t! You’re right!

And then I went back into my (really comfy and heated) home with my (organic free-range ridiculous happy cow) milk, and decided that I’m not going to complain about anything for the rest of the day. (At least that’s the plan.)

Yesterday morning in church, Jeff did the reading about King Herod and the wise men. Less than 24 hours later, a guy kneeled down on my sidewalk and filled my cooler with milk (literally AND figuratively!).

(It’s happening. And it smells like Christmas Spirit, Kurt Cobain!)
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It’s the final Laughing Cow giveaway! Follow this link and talk about food and love and portion control, and you could win a $150 Visa gift card! ‘ ‘ ‘text/javascript’>